Beautiful Surprises

Well, It's been over a year since my last post.  Life has changed so much for the better!  I have met the most kind, genuine, conscientious, free-thinking, and compatible man.  We fell in love, moved in and created our little home together, took in a rambunctious kitten, and now we are expecting our first child in less than two months!

Overall, I could not be more thankful for what my life has become.  I/we have had our ups and downs along the way, too.  But no person, relationship, or situation is perfect.

I'll also be moving on from flying.  I loved my two-year career as a flight attendant, but now I am beginning my adventure as a mother to my little boy and I don't want to be away from him and our family!  So I currently am not working, but preparing to be a mom and taking care of our home.  I will most likely start searching for a new career a couple months after my little guys is born... and I am excited for whatever new opportunity presents itself to me.

With all of these life changes I have been feeling so many emotions (and all of the pregnancy hormones magnify these too!).  I have so many goals, and a lot of things I'm still unsure about.  So, to calm my mind and organize my thoughts I wanted to come back here to get everything off my chest.

Something that's always been important to me is having a healthy, whole, and "clean" lifestyle in terms of what I eat, and products I use on my body and in my home.  This is now especially important since our son is coming into the world.  I'll be breastfeeding him, and like now while he is in the womb, everything I eat becomes what nourishes him, as well.  T (my partner) and I try to purchase organic foods when possible and choose ones that are especially nourishing.  We do all this on a very tight budget and I am constantly trying to research the best way to do this and get creative.  It can be a challenge and I hope we can stick with this goal once our lives get a little more hectic while caring for a newborn.

I truly believe that the events that take place in our lives, good or bad, occur to lead us down the path we are meant to be on.  I can look back and see so many situations that I questioned while they were happening, but later realized what a positive difference they made in my life.
Getting pregnant with Baby T was a great surprise to us, but a wonderful one.  After showing T my positive pregnancy test, we both just smiled at each other and hugged with joy.  We didn't plan or prepare beforehand like some other parents might, but we've had the last 8 months to do our very best.  I think we will be wonderful parents, but we do worry sometimes about just one thing: our finances.  I know in my heart everything will turn out just fine, even better than I expect; however I can't help but have some anxiety.  T & I believe that, of course you need to work in life to earn the means to care for your self, family, and home; but we are not materialistic and don't need a lot beyond the basics.  We prioritize where our money needs to go, allow ourselves just a few indulgences (everyone needs that), and try to be as smart and frugal as possible besides that.  We try to remind ourselves that stressing and worrying over money is not worth it.  We work hard and do our best, and beyond that, worrying gets us nowhere.  When we focus on what we are lucky enough to have already, the things we are thankful for, the people we love, and the possibilities in front of us...we tend to realize there is not much to fret over, at all.  And so far, so good. We are doing pretty darn well!  When we look at others who invest too much energy and focus on money... either loving it, hoarding it, or lamenting over a lack of it...we feel a bit sorry for them and see how distracted they are from the true blessings in life.  It's all in your attitude and mindset!

Also, in these 9 months of preparation, I have really wanted to work on being the kind of person I want to teach my son to be.  I still have a long way to go on that journey, but knowing that it is a journey is one step accomplished!  I want to be and do a lot of things....

-Be more honest with myself and others, while also being more forgiving towards myself and others.

-Coming to peace with past mistakes and choices....seeing them as situations to learn from and being grateful that they were all part of getting me to the great place I'm in now.

-Knowing that when I want to accomplish a task, whether small or large, I need to focus on doing it little by little. Doing something each day to work towards a greater goal.  My mistake in the past has been feeling I need to accomplish something all at once and in a short amount of time; leading me to give up easily, feel overwhelmed, overdo things, and subsequently feel guilt over abandoning goals.

-Incorporate more "spirituality" into my life.  For me, this does not mean attending a church or reading religious texts.  But I do want to feel a sense of "connected-ness" to nature, other people, and a "higher power." (I am still forming my thoughts on what this means and what I believe).  I'd like to try meditating, walking outdoors, and enjoying what's around me without the over-stimulation of cell phones, tv, computers, etc.  I also found meaning, positive changes, and comfort in some of the teachings of Jewish Kabbalah a couple years ago.  I no longer think that I necessarily need to follow the Kabbalah... but I did like the teaching to be open to signs and messages around us.  I want to keep my eyes, ears, mind, and heart open to wise words from others --whether that be the cashier at the gas station, a friend, or someone I don't even like.  Or signs, symbols, and messages in nature, books, etc.  I also found growth in the past from viewing conflict with others as a reason to turn inward and see what I can learn and change about myself.

-I'd like to be a better partner to T.  We already have a better relationship than I could have ever imagined.  But there are definitely ways I know I could improve.  I'd like to be more open to accepting him exactly as he is and to let go of a desire to change him.  We are very like-minded people, but there are a couple of big things we disagree on... and we tend to go in circles arguing about them... and I let them get to me.  I'd like to reach a point where, while I do continue to communicate my thoughts or feelings, I approach him with more open-ness, tolerance, love... and faith that he would never do anything to hurt me or our family.  I'd like to have more patience, "sweetness," and "gentle-ness" towards him.  With all the hormonal changes I've been going through and some of the normal pre-baby anxiety I've had.... I've been less than patient and very critical and demanding.  I realize I can't expect perfection (from T OR myself) and that I should appreciate all that he does do for me and our household.

-I'd also like to be the best mother I can.  I know this another area where I cannot expect perfection of myself.  But I care SO MUCH.  I want to be patient, loving, positive, gentle, fun, and respectful.  I want to raise Baby T to feel security, trust, unconditional love, and open-ness in the relationship he has with T & I.  He is his own person and we are here to love him for who he is and guide him as he grows and explores the world and sets off down whatever path he chooses.  We do want to teach him to be socially conscious...to treat ALL people as equals and recognize and fight against injustices.  We want him to be free of prejudices and judgements.  We want him to prioritize being HIMSELF and feeling confident in everything he is.  I hope to instill a sense of curiosity and adventurousness about life and the world...learning and experiencing lots of things throughout his time on this planet.  I hope to have the patience and ability to overcome ego when it comes to times of conflict, discipline, and frustration with raising a child.  I hope to be able to always teach him WHY we are setting a rule about something; and not just expect him to blindly follow.  I want to welcome his questions and inquisitive-ness.  And, lastly, something I have learned from T-- to approach all things (parenting and otherwise) with a sense of humor!  To be a little more light-hearted.  We can always use more laughter and smiles!

Ok, so I'm already feeling a little more at peace!  Writing is always therapeutic for me.  I don't know when I'll be back to write again --because life is about to become much busier! :) But I know I'll return with lots of great things to write about!

Broken Record

Round 27 (??) of trying to find a man.

I write this now as I try not to think of my latest break-up after a 1-2 month relationship.  On the bright side, I've broken up with all of them, and not the reverse. (All except one).  I have just become very picky and unable to put up with anything less than awesome treatment.  I guess that isn't a bad thing. 

I have been thinking of how sad it is that Iraq veterans become so fucked up.  I have now dated two who seem like happy, healthy, successful men... until I dig a little deeper under the surface and see how ridden with anxiety and fear they are.  They put up so  many barriers which makes it nearly impossible for them to have a normal relationship; despite the fact that they are desperate to find just that, settle down, and have a family. 

Sigh, I'm not going to dwell on that. I'm just going to learn from it and consciously decide never to date a veteran again. 

Additionally, I've decided to go on a hiatus from men, dating, and sex.  I tried this before, unsuccessfully.  But I'm a much stronger person, now.  I need to "clear my energy," if you will.  Focusing so much on men and dating has absolutely drained my energy and happiness.  My head has been spinning with it.  So, I'm done for awhile. 

Things to look forward to in the near future:

-My travels, as usual. And making the most of them.
-Making homemade vanilla extract for Christmas presents this year.
-More friend & family time!!
-Undertaking some sort of project--art, re-organizing, or otherwise. (Need to do more thinking on this).
-Starting an online shop selling vintage clothes & accessories.  (Really excited to do this, but I'm trying to think of what I can do to set it apart from the zillions of other vintage shops out there.)
-Working out more; I've gotten away from this.
-Writing more about my travels.  So many interesting things happen!

Ok, blogging therapy, over. And I feel better!!! :)

Dissatisfaction

Ok, so I apparently only post new entries when I'm not doing/feeling so great.

So here I am.  Everything SHOULD be great, as I have the best job on earth and I get to travel all over the country, see new places, meet new people, and make new friends constantly.  Sigh, why can't I just be happy with this?? 

I've been feeling blue the last few weeks.  I can think of a few obvious reasons.  One being another failed relationship.  The hardest thing about a break-up is that when you fall for someone you feel like a new future opens up ahead of you.  You see the life you could have with them.  Then, when it's over that path is ripped away from you.  And it's just you again. You have to pave your way alone, and that really makes me sad.  

I had a long talk with someone recently about what it takes to find a great person and have a great relationship.  And I think I have a lot to work on before I'm ready.  And I think that even when I meet a great person, I need to feel them out for a long time before jumping into a deeper emotional/physical relationship with them.  That said, it just seems like a long time ahead of me that I will be alone. 

It's also rather unfulfilling to entertain casual, lighter relationships in the mean time.  So solitude it is, I suppose. 

Aside from pondering relationships... my usual existential banes are gettin' me down.  Money. Parents. Attempting to get out on my own.  Deciding whether to finish school.  Fixing my bad habits. Trying to not hate my body.
Sigh.    

I do, however, think that feeling sad or angry or desperate opens up the creative, and thoughtful side of me.  It makes life feel a little more real and meaningful.  I think when you look around and you don't like your life or the world around you... it makes you want to create something to make it better.  I guess when people talk about the "Artistic temperament" they are referring to someone in a constant state of dissatisfaction??  Maybe that's a bit negative... but just something that occurred to me today. 

Regardless, wanting to create or learn does feel good.  I want to do a sort of "independent study" in literature.  I want to read great novels.  And make something with my hands.    That would make me happier, I think.  

Other thoughts today:

I want to go to NYC for a day and ride the subway all day. 
I want to be able to say I "dabble in photography."
I wish I wasn't wired to rely on novelty to stimulate me and derive happiness from, mostly, that in life.
Weddings are generally silly, over the top wastes of money.  Kind of like how Christmas distorts the "reason for the season." 
I'm developing a slight fear of flying.  Only because statistically my chances of danger are very much increased. 

Ok, so today I am going to try and get some sunshine, make something, and do some productive things.  Hopefully I will feel better by the end of the day. 

Writing helps too.  I should do this more regularly.

2012: Out with the Old, In with the New!

Happy New Year!

Like everyone else, I have several resolutions for 2012, and one of them is blogging more! 
So here I go....

As the year is beginning, I have been feeling very contemplative.  Here are a few of the things I learned in 2011...
-EVERYTHING....I repeat, EVERYTHING, happens for a REASON!
-The world is full of beauty, and if you take time to notice it, it can bring you a lot of joy!
-Taking care of your body, eating healthy, and staying active really are easy things you can do to look and feel great (I know, this sounds so cliche, but doing just this got me through the end of 2011!!). 
-It is extremely important to remember to be kind, forgiving, and loving to YOURSELF!
-Every person who walks into your life is brought there to teach you something and help you grow.
-Your path may not be like everyone else's, but its yours...embrace it!
-Feed your subconscious mind with good thoughts, affirmations, and experiences...it controls and effects everything in the way you live your life and view your world!
-STOP WORRYING.
-Gratitude, perspective, optimism, a willingness to learn from mistakes, and good friends & family can get you through anything!





Besides blogging more... my other goals and resolutions for 2012 are the following:

-Read more books, classics and otherwise.
-Cook dinner for my family weekly.
-Do more yoga and keep up with regular running.
-Be a more organized and neat person.
-Work on not being late to everything! :)
-Create a flower/veggie/herb garden in the spring.
-Travel...I didn't travel at all in 2011, so even if it's just daytrips, I need to see new places this year!


So excited for whatever is to come this year! 

Strange but True

It's hard not to feel that everyone sees my situation and pities me, looks down on me, judges me, or thinks "we told you so."

Maybe they are. But why does it even have to be a "situation?" This is the life I have, was meant to have, and why should I fret about the past.

My mother asked me...Aren't I envious of all my friends who are moving up in the world and leaving me behind? Shouldn't that make me feel bad about myself?

Is that question supposed to help anything?

I think my ego is bruised, my pride is hurt... but deep down I am really happy. I am unattached ... to a man, career, or place. I have to get some things in order, but then I can really do ANYTHING.

My debt is overwhelming.. but atleast I'm not alone in dealing with it anymore. I'm not going crazy trying to find a guy to support me and help me pay it.

The only good thing to come of my man-hunt... was the suggestion of joining the military.. from J#2. Crazy, I know. Goes against my old beliefs, yes. But where did those principles get me? This is a SOLUTION to many problems. Also seems scary as hell, but that kind of excites me in a strange way. I'm considering the Navy. I've been through a lot... and I've already had a gun pointed at me before. In the last weeks, I've been close to a deathwish... atleast if I could go out, it would be doing something good for others.

Yes, I'm serious about this. I've been waiting for a long time for a path that feels right and holds a bright future. This idea stood out to me right away and I haven't been able to stop thinking about it. I suppose the next steps are still paying down my debt, and then speaking with a recruiter.

It feels good to finally have some hope and optimism.

Best 60-90 Days of My Life

Well, seeing Tim (former supervisor at UHC) was a mistake. Hanging around Jake for two months after breaking up was also a mistake. I feel really sick about being so caught up in men, ex-boyfriends in particular.

Thus, today is Day 3 of my 60-90 day hiatus from men and sex!





Days 1 & 2 were a bit challenging...I fell off the wagon for a second (called Jesse, who recently met his son and fell back in love with his child's mother after six years of not being in their lives), and unavoidably had lunch with Jake, who delivered Subway with the mail yesterday.

However, after girls night with Beth and Christina last night.. I'm feeling good on Day 3.

Some things I plan on accomplishing during this Hiatus:

-Cleaning my room (hey, built-up, extra sexual energy is the best way to finally achieve this goal, I think!)

-Cleaning/organizing entire apartment in preparation for my new roommate (who moves in in a little over a week!)

-Read many books!!! I miss reading, also makes me feel significantly less intellectual when I realize I've read only 2-3 books in the last year. An embarrassing fact.

-Cook/bake more! I think I will start posting recipes here.

-Be an awesome friend! I have some fantastic ladies (and platonic man friends, who are exempt from this hiatus) in my life and I can't wait to be a better friend to them and spend more time with them!

-Be an awesome daughter/neice/sister/future sister-in-law/granddaughter....etc. Family is everything, and I don't see or appreciate mine enough.

-Build an excellent iTunes library. I'm on computer number 3 in this apartment that has not yet crashed... I lose my music collection each time.

In other news...Beth is engaged to Josh! I set them up for Prom...and look at them now! I accepted my duty as Bridesmaid last night, and I'm quite excited to be one for the second time in my life.

Upcoming events in my life... heading to work this afternoon, relaxing tonight ; tomorrow is Josh's birthday at the City Museum, Mandi and her southern friend Megan may be coming to stay with me from Mississippi for the weekend; Tower Grove Farmer's Market with la madre on Saturday; and seeing my favorite musical of all time, Seven Brides for Seven Brothers on Sunday at the Muny with the fam!!

If at first you don't succeed....

So, my new goal of weening myself off of men has not been off to a good start.

But the first step to change is admitting you have a problem, right? And I am becoming very aware of how reliant I am upon men/relationships/sex/attention for happiness. How hard it is to not use these things ....is showing me how much I need to change.

Seeking happiness in the way that I've been trying to in the last several years... is ultimately leaving me very empty.

So, I'm going to be patient with myself and keep trying to move forward.

Today-- doing some cleaning, downloading some music, requesting books to read from the library....

Going to bed early tonight, and getting up early tomorrow morning to go running (on my own... no drill sargent partner necessary!!) before work!

Every Passing Minute is Another Chance to Turn It All Around...

Some of my new endeavors...

Learning about Kabbalah (inspired by my dear friend Mandi).

Making new friends in South City.

Reading more books!

Taking a few weeks/months to "detox" from men and unhealthy relationships. I advised both J's (yes, there are two now) I need a break from talking/seeing eachother for awhile. I deleted all of my online dating accounts. My plan is to focus on self-improvement and making myself happy! I'm excited about it. It feels good already.

Getting back into music. I used to read about, download, share, and listen to music, new and old, of various genres constantly. In the last year, not so much. Life is empty and quiet (literally and metaphorically) without it.

Finishing my certification to be an ACA (Advanced Chiropractic Assistant).

Continuing to save to get my TESL/TESOL/TEFL Certification!

When asked to name the one person absent from her life that she missed the most, she responded, "The person I hoped I'd be by this point in my life."

Okay-- So, I'm not going to finish school. I am one of those individuals who dropped out of college and said they'd go back someday, and then never did. They aren't going to follow their childhood dreams of being marine biologists, Spanish teachers, lawyers, or art historians (in my case).

Maybe some of these people live in regret for the rest of their lives... of who they could've been. Instead maybe they are working in restaurants, raising kids at home, or worse, living paycheck to paycheck and really struggling financially. They are doomed to unhappiness because of this.

I don't want to live in regret. I want to accept that I've made my share of mistakes, and yes, I'm not going to have the life I dreamed of as a girl of 18. I'm not going to travel the world studying art. I want to stop focusing on the person I USED TO BE. and the dreams of that person. I realized this is making me seriously unhappy. I'm not 20, and thin, and naive and partying all the time. And why should I hold on to the exact same goals I had then.

I am nearly 25, a little curvier, a little less pretty. Much wiser, more worldy, and more realistic. I've fallen off my cloud of idealism... I am quite poor, estranged from certain friends, often unhappy. But I've traveled the world, I have a small group of amazing friends, I live in the city, exactly where I want to be. I support myself completely, without relying on anyone else. I ride the bus everyday, I hold myself to high standards on how I view, judge, and treat others. I have strong convictions that I'm not afraid to stand up for. I can admit my mistakes and shortcomings. I've experienced extreme lows, but also extreme highs.

This is who I am now. It doesn't matter what I used to be. This is how life has shaped me. So, I need to work with what I have and find the right path for the person I am today.

It's not necessarily a degree that I want, but it's frustrating that having an "education" and a piece of paper to show it seems to be the ticket to happiness and success in this world. I do want happiness and a certain kind of success. I just want to attain them with what I have. I want family and friends around me. I want to live in a place with lots of life and culture. I eventually want marriage and children of my own. And I want a day to day job that makes a difference for myself and others. Are all of those things too much to expect? I don't think so. I just need to start feeling out a path and a plan to get there.

love your curves

As part of my recent goal to accept my body as is... I decided to be inspired by women who are curvy and rock it! I've been loving the blog, Fatale Fashion! The author is gorgeous, confident, and very stylish. And obviously is not ashamed of her curves!
Love this look she posted today:


And sort of on the subject...what the heck is up with a curvy girl ending up with not one, but two roommates with eating disorders??? Seriously. It's not very fun to hate yourself...or to hate food! I guess maybe this shows how common it is?? Or maybe this happened for a reason and these girls and I had/have something to learn from each other?

Strange business.

Winter Blues

I've been feeling completely un-sexy lately. I think it's just because I'm currently stuck in the middle of winter: I've got a little extra "padding" after the holidays, hairy legs (I rarely shave my legs in the winter.. always wearing pants, tights, or leggings) , ultra pale and dry skin, and chapped lips. My eyes have been red lately from staring at a computer all day at work. And I also cut my very long hair a couple of weeks before Christmas. I liked the change at first.... but I miss it now! I feel like long hair is such a sign of sexiness, beauty, youth, and health.... sigh... I was very vain about my hair. Not to say it's awful now... it's just shorter, very layered, and will take awhile to get back to where it was. Sometimes it dries like a mullet because of the extreme short and long layers... and then I do hate it. Ugh.

**sigh** I'm so vain in general.. and I just want to feel pretty!!

I'm just waiting for winter to be over... so I can get some SUN, produce will be cheaper (antioxidants!!), and I can get outside and work out (without worrying about falling down icy steps like I did a month or so ago).

For now I'm trying to watch what I eat... using my handy new Calorie Counter app. And eat as many fruits and veggies as I can (can afford that is). Stay stress free.. and positive-minded. These are the best things you can do in winter, I think.


And back to the topic of hair, when it grows out again I may keep it, or I may try a cut like this:
Yes, it's also short. But I like the all-one-length-ness. Still looks sleek and sexy, and yet edgy, too. It's very cute and face-framing also. I wonder if I could pull it off?

Really, I Mean it This Time

Well I'd like to write a post about how DONE I am with J. But I'm not going to bother because you could just scroll to the previous 27 posts to read all about that.

Let's just say I've reached new levels of clarity on the situation, and I'm ready more than ever to put myself first. To grow. The one thing above all, is that I look at all the mistakes he is making and I can compare that in many ways to things I've done and it gives me a whole new perspective. And inspires me to change. And the first step to making myself happier: cutting him out.

I'm not going to say any more. And I'll let you know when it's been three weeks that I haven't spoken to him. That'll be a milestone, right?

But I have my best friends behind me, who have come to mean so much more to me than any guy ever will. Sounds cheesy, but I very much mean it.

Other things I have going on: Being terrified by my debt/ debt collectors and trying to work up the nerve to contact them. Hating my job. Struggling between a desire to lose weight or to love my curves. Trying to get motivated to organize all my clothes/closet/jewelry/makeup, etc.
(But what's new, really).

And... I have a date on Friday. I met a guy named Timotheus at Simone's birthday party, who is a friend of a friend. We didn't really talk much at the party, but he added me on facebook the next day and we've been chatting daily every since. He asked me to go out Friday, and I have mixed feelings about it. He is very cute. But am I really in a state of mind to meet someone new??.... I tried that with Will and it was disastrous. Mandi says to think of it as "medicine" for my situation....so I guess I'm going. He seems very eager to see me. I shall keep you posted.

Now watching an episode of Satisfaction on Netflix... and heading to bed early. mmmm sleep.

2011 has Begun!

Ok it's not really over. Who am I kidding? And if we're being really honest here. I am in love with him... still. Simone told me I need mental help if I feel that way after everything that happened. I have analyzed (agonized over is really more like it) and thought through everything that happened countless times. I am not blind to his flaws. I see them, but I still see so much good. This has really been on my mind. Am I naive? I don't know. The good times were so good, that they seem to outshine everything else...

My bills don't scare me anymore. I opened up an envelope for the first time in months today.

And I'd really like to find a way to exercise and eat healthy that works for me... i.e. only having free time to be go running or walk early in the morning and late at night...currently in the winter.. in the city.

I'd love to eat a diet of mostly healthy, raw foods... but it's so expensive! I'm trying to think of ways to make these things work, and make them a priority though. Brave the cold to exercise in the winter? Get up to go running at 6am? Invest in work out shoes/clothes? CUt out my morning coffees to save up to buy veggies and fruit every week? I think I can do it. My life in the past few months has shown me some of my biggest assets: my ability to adapt, think creatively, do the unexpected, and make things work in my own way!

Doesn't all this sound very clear headed? Lately I've reached a place where I feel like I can look back at the past 3-4 years and think... whoa I was going crazy! I literally don't know where my head was at! I still don't regret anything, but I can tell my state of mind now is different, and healthier than it has been in awhile. (And yes, i know the J thing might not seem very healthy... but lately it has brought me more happiness, than stress and anxiety like it used to).

At this rate, things are bound to get better and better! 2011 is gonna be a good year, I think.

Hello!

I have returned to my abandoned blog. Just read my last few posts... and they are quite depressing. But depressed is exactly what I was for awhile there. I have been feeling much livelier in recent times. Still seeing you know who...but the sick attachment is gone and, if it ended tomorrow, I'd be ok. It's just a bad habit like smoking nowadays. You can still be a smoker and have a happy productive life right? Well, you have to quite at some point, and yes, I will do that.

The things that have been making up the pieces of my life as of late: Braving the cold (in a very warm , new parka and winter gear) to continue using public transit (and loving it), taking attendance at my job a little more seriously, slowly chizzling away at my financial problems, battling over the thermostat with my roommate, getting along with my parents, and forming some semblance of long term goals (i.e. attending UMSL by next fall, doing TESOL, moving abroad?).

Who am I again??

Ok. Done with them all. I didn't quite tell J all the truths I thought I'd tell him... to keep him away. Didn't have the heart to. I told him we need to move on... because lying to everyone I know isn't worth it anymore. I told him it was real this time. I am going to give him some of the clothes I had at my place sometime this week, and then that's it.

I think being man-less might make me emotional for a bit.. but I need to be on my own.

Things are a mess with me. And I need to work on a lot. I think I've been using men to distract myself from all the real issues in my life.

Will posted this video on his facebook after I told him what happened last weekend.

.... I suppose he has a point.


I need to gather the pieces of what I used to be, pull myself back together, and get up and do something!

Addicted

For some time , I've thought to myself... I want to live a life worthy of reading about in a book. .... a life with plenty of excitement and drama and unusual happenings.

Well, while my life has certainly not been short of those things...it has been short of success and happiness. While I've been jumping from crazy situation to crazy situation... i haven't moved forward.

The drama has accumulated to a pretty high level as of late. And its time to leave it all behind.
Can I really leave all these men behind? What I was doing was fun... but at times hurt me and made me feel bad about myself. I was being promiscuous and dishonest.
They all offered me some form of excitement...all had something unusual about them. J introduced me to the world of raves, clubs, dj's, electronic music, and the drugs that come along with that scene (not that I used them...really). He knew how to have a really really good time.. and I had them with him...but it got out of hand, and I got too caught up...and hurt. Will and Boni were African, exotic, dark, had sexy accents, and I never quite knew if I could trust them..which, even though that's sort of sick, added to the allure.
Dinesh was sweet, let me walk all over him, but he bought me delicious expensive meals, and we discussed lofty concepts, Indian culture, and archaeology.
Bill, you're in there, too. That's a whole other story... but I think we both know our drama is over now.

I'm done with all of these men but one... the hardest one to cut off. The worst one of them...but the one I'm the most emotionally attached to. I can't quite identify what I am scared of losing if I drop him. The sex? The love? the excitement? I have to do it though. I wrote a note to myself a few weeks ago because I read that writing things down makes them more concrete and real to us. It said, "Drop J by October 5th." Well that day has come and gone. Haven't done it yet. But I think about it every day. I can never be happy on my own or meet someone I could have a real, satisfying relationship with until he is gone.

Alas, I have made plans to see him tonight? Maybe it is the sex. Because that is the main event for the evening since he doesn't even get off work until 2am. Or maybe I'm just looking for comfort... since I am honestly and truly sad I won't get to see Will again. Sometimes when you lose someone, you realize how much you really did care about them. He was the only of them all that I thought I could have a real relationship with. But, now that won't happen. And so I'm falling back on good 'ol J.

Sometimes you just have to be ready to let someone go. But how long do I need to wait?

Repeat After Me...

I think that, for me atleast, the key to self improvement is picking one thing to work on and sticking to it. And focusing on only that, until it is achieved.

There are many, many things I need to change right now in my life. I know I am a very intelligent, cultured, unique, kind person. (And knowing that retains my self-esteem.) I have learned a lot and experienced a lot (what I treasure most are the experiences I've had over the past 3-4 years). However, I have not accomplished a lot. Life is about learning and experiencing as much as you can, but also about putting that knowledge and experience to use and doing something with it! My life thus far has been about experiencing, but now it needs to be about doing.

The problem is, when I try to work on the many things that need changing, it becomes overwhelming and nothing is achieved.

Some ideas on my "one thing" to work on....

-Cut out the negatives in my life. (Possibly too broad and vague.. but this would apply to a lot right now).

-Don't avoid things or people.

-Make every decision with the future in mind.

-Decide what exactly I want in life and make every choice according to that goal. (This entails sitting down and detailing what it is that I truly want... which is a complex issue in itself...).

I need to do some thinking on which of these will be my new "mantra."

complain, complain

There are a couple of issues in my life I really need to deal with. One of which is my debt and resulting financial problems. I have been ignoring phone calls and mail for months. It is really going to catch up with me soon if I don't face it. I've been in denial for a long time and even typing this paragraph is making me cringe. But I HAVE to face it.

I'm just scared to lose my apartment, and to go without a car forever. Winter is coming, and I'd really like a car. Don't get me wrong, there are many days I love using public transit. But I am a baby in the cold, and I miss not being able to go where I choose and not being able to travel at night. (Since I don't like to be on the bus by myself at night).



I think I just need to take baby steps to make improvements in my life. Little steps to fix things that need fixing. And little steps to add more joy to my life--decorate my cubicle, bake myself cookies, hang photos in my apartment, and read more books.

..............Now watching Mad Men, and going to bed!

Maybe its seasonal

Sometimes I feel like life is so wonderful and beautiful and full of possibilities. And sometimes I feel like mine is so ruined and I'm so far from getting to where I once thought I could be, that settling for less is not even worth it.

I guess a lot of people feel that way.

It seems funny that it's such a struggle to stay positive. I really try though, I do.

I love the friends I have - Christina, Simone, Mandi (and others, though I'm not as close to them anymore)

I love my family.

I love Jesse (so much it scares me and makes me want to run, but that's another story...)

I am really starting to like my new job. The possibilities it offers excite me!

I love that spring and summer are only a couple months away. For me, the new year and the beginning of spring always bring a sense of hopefulness, happiness, and excitement.

Here are a few things I want to get started:

-Eating healthier and exercising every day.

-Taking better care of Mikey - more attention, more grooming, more exercise for him!

-Keeping my room clean!!

-Maintaining my relationships with those I care about! Letting my actions reflect that I really do care...

-Unleashing my creative side more often!

-Taking better care of my appearance, style, makeup, skin etc! Even if I can't be super skinny right away, I can still be hot in other ways!!

Updates

I've started a new job.

I may have found a way to legally move to Ireland.

I've lost lots of friends.

I've gained a lot of weight.

I desperately want to change the previous two items.

I am considering moving to an apartment in the city (with or without Jesse).