Dissatisfaction

Ok, so I apparently only post new entries when I'm not doing/feeling so great.

So here I am.  Everything SHOULD be great, as I have the best job on earth and I get to travel all over the country, see new places, meet new people, and make new friends constantly.  Sigh, why can't I just be happy with this?? 

I've been feeling blue the last few weeks.  I can think of a few obvious reasons.  One being another failed relationship.  The hardest thing about a break-up is that when you fall for someone you feel like a new future opens up ahead of you.  You see the life you could have with them.  Then, when it's over that path is ripped away from you.  And it's just you again. You have to pave your way alone, and that really makes me sad.  

I had a long talk with someone recently about what it takes to find a great person and have a great relationship.  And I think I have a lot to work on before I'm ready.  And I think that even when I meet a great person, I need to feel them out for a long time before jumping into a deeper emotional/physical relationship with them.  That said, it just seems like a long time ahead of me that I will be alone. 

It's also rather unfulfilling to entertain casual, lighter relationships in the mean time.  So solitude it is, I suppose. 

Aside from pondering relationships... my usual existential banes are gettin' me down.  Money. Parents. Attempting to get out on my own.  Deciding whether to finish school.  Fixing my bad habits. Trying to not hate my body.
Sigh.    

I do, however, think that feeling sad or angry or desperate opens up the creative, and thoughtful side of me.  It makes life feel a little more real and meaningful.  I think when you look around and you don't like your life or the world around you... it makes you want to create something to make it better.  I guess when people talk about the "Artistic temperament" they are referring to someone in a constant state of dissatisfaction??  Maybe that's a bit negative... but just something that occurred to me today. 

Regardless, wanting to create or learn does feel good.  I want to do a sort of "independent study" in literature.  I want to read great novels.  And make something with my hands.    That would make me happier, I think.  

Other thoughts today:

I want to go to NYC for a day and ride the subway all day. 
I want to be able to say I "dabble in photography."
I wish I wasn't wired to rely on novelty to stimulate me and derive happiness from, mostly, that in life.
Weddings are generally silly, over the top wastes of money.  Kind of like how Christmas distorts the "reason for the season." 
I'm developing a slight fear of flying.  Only because statistically my chances of danger are very much increased. 

Ok, so today I am going to try and get some sunshine, make something, and do some productive things.  Hopefully I will feel better by the end of the day. 

Writing helps too.  I should do this more regularly.

2012: Out with the Old, In with the New!

Happy New Year!

Like everyone else, I have several resolutions for 2012, and one of them is blogging more! 
So here I go....

As the year is beginning, I have been feeling very contemplative.  Here are a few of the things I learned in 2011...
-EVERYTHING....I repeat, EVERYTHING, happens for a REASON!
-The world is full of beauty, and if you take time to notice it, it can bring you a lot of joy!
-Taking care of your body, eating healthy, and staying active really are easy things you can do to look and feel great (I know, this sounds so cliche, but doing just this got me through the end of 2011!!). 
-It is extremely important to remember to be kind, forgiving, and loving to YOURSELF!
-Every person who walks into your life is brought there to teach you something and help you grow.
-Your path may not be like everyone else's, but its yours...embrace it!
-Feed your subconscious mind with good thoughts, affirmations, and experiences...it controls and effects everything in the way you live your life and view your world!
-STOP WORRYING.
-Gratitude, perspective, optimism, a willingness to learn from mistakes, and good friends & family can get you through anything!





Besides blogging more... my other goals and resolutions for 2012 are the following:

-Read more books, classics and otherwise.
-Cook dinner for my family weekly.
-Do more yoga and keep up with regular running.
-Be a more organized and neat person.
-Work on not being late to everything! :)
-Create a flower/veggie/herb garden in the spring.
-Travel...I didn't travel at all in 2011, so even if it's just daytrips, I need to see new places this year!


So excited for whatever is to come this year! 

Strange but True

It's hard not to feel that everyone sees my situation and pities me, looks down on me, judges me, or thinks "we told you so."

Maybe they are. But why does it even have to be a "situation?" This is the life I have, was meant to have, and why should I fret about the past.

My mother asked me...Aren't I envious of all my friends who are moving up in the world and leaving me behind? Shouldn't that make me feel bad about myself?

Is that question supposed to help anything?

I think my ego is bruised, my pride is hurt... but deep down I am really happy. I am unattached ... to a man, career, or place. I have to get some things in order, but then I can really do ANYTHING.

My debt is overwhelming.. but atleast I'm not alone in dealing with it anymore. I'm not going crazy trying to find a guy to support me and help me pay it.

The only good thing to come of my man-hunt... was the suggestion of joining the military.. from J#2. Crazy, I know. Goes against my old beliefs, yes. But where did those principles get me? This is a SOLUTION to many problems. Also seems scary as hell, but that kind of excites me in a strange way. I'm considering the Navy. I've been through a lot... and I've already had a gun pointed at me before. In the last weeks, I've been close to a deathwish... atleast if I could go out, it would be doing something good for others.

Yes, I'm serious about this. I've been waiting for a long time for a path that feels right and holds a bright future. This idea stood out to me right away and I haven't been able to stop thinking about it. I suppose the next steps are still paying down my debt, and then speaking with a recruiter.

It feels good to finally have some hope and optimism.

Best 60-90 Days of My Life

Well, seeing Tim (former supervisor at UHC) was a mistake. Hanging around Jake for two months after breaking up was also a mistake. I feel really sick about being so caught up in men, ex-boyfriends in particular.

Thus, today is Day 3 of my 60-90 day hiatus from men and sex!





Days 1 & 2 were a bit challenging...I fell off the wagon for a second (called Jesse, who recently met his son and fell back in love with his child's mother after six years of not being in their lives), and unavoidably had lunch with Jake, who delivered Subway with the mail yesterday.

However, after girls night with Beth and Christina last night.. I'm feeling good on Day 3.

Some things I plan on accomplishing during this Hiatus:

-Cleaning my room (hey, built-up, extra sexual energy is the best way to finally achieve this goal, I think!)

-Cleaning/organizing entire apartment in preparation for my new roommate (who moves in in a little over a week!)

-Read many books!!! I miss reading, also makes me feel significantly less intellectual when I realize I've read only 2-3 books in the last year. An embarrassing fact.

-Cook/bake more! I think I will start posting recipes here.

-Be an awesome friend! I have some fantastic ladies (and platonic man friends, who are exempt from this hiatus) in my life and I can't wait to be a better friend to them and spend more time with them!

-Be an awesome daughter/neice/sister/future sister-in-law/granddaughter....etc. Family is everything, and I don't see or appreciate mine enough.

-Build an excellent iTunes library. I'm on computer number 3 in this apartment that has not yet crashed... I lose my music collection each time.

In other news...Beth is engaged to Josh! I set them up for Prom...and look at them now! I accepted my duty as Bridesmaid last night, and I'm quite excited to be one for the second time in my life.

Upcoming events in my life... heading to work this afternoon, relaxing tonight ; tomorrow is Josh's birthday at the City Museum, Mandi and her southern friend Megan may be coming to stay with me from Mississippi for the weekend; Tower Grove Farmer's Market with la madre on Saturday; and seeing my favorite musical of all time, Seven Brides for Seven Brothers on Sunday at the Muny with the fam!!

Every Passing Minute is Another Chance to Turn It All Around...

Some of my new endeavors...

Learning about Kabbalah (inspired by my dear friend Mandi).

Making new friends in South City.

Reading more books!

Taking a few weeks/months to "detox" from men and unhealthy relationships. I advised both J's (yes, there are two now) I need a break from talking/seeing eachother for awhile. I deleted all of my online dating accounts. My plan is to focus on self-improvement and making myself happy! I'm excited about it. It feels good already.

Getting back into music. I used to read about, download, share, and listen to music, new and old, of various genres constantly. In the last year, not so much. Life is empty and quiet (literally and metaphorically) without it.

Finishing my certification to be an ACA (Advanced Chiropractic Assistant).

Continuing to save to get my TESL/TESOL/TEFL Certification!

Stevie

*Siiigghhh* If I could marry this man, I would.

(HAHA I'm so creepy to post this!)

New Phase

I spontaneously decided to give myself a mini vacation this week. So I called in "sick" to work yesterday and today.



And guess what I've done..... I hung up EVERY ARTICLE OF CLOTHING in my wardrobe!!!!


Majorly patting myself on the back.


I've been more productive in two days than I have been in, hmm, a year?



This signals the beginning of a new phase if I do say so myself.



Today, I'm continuing to clean and organize. I'm also cooking some tamarind chicken in the crockpot... a recipe I just made up myself. I ordered some Tamacon Tamarind paste online a few weeks ago from an Indian grocer on Amazon. So I used what was left of a bag of frozen chicken breasts (two large pieces), drizzled the tamarind concentrate all over it..probably roughly added up to 2/3 cup..... and 1/2 a can of stewed tomatoes, and then added several dashes of cinnamon, ginger, cloves, and curry powder....several spoonfuls of farmer's market apple butter, and three capfuls of olive oil. It's been simmering on low in the crockpot for a couple hours now.. (I'm letting it cook for probably 6-7 hours total). Halfway through I'll probably throw in some sea salt and dried onion.

That's how I typically cook... I just randomly throw things in... but I've never had a dish turn out badly. In fact, they are usually delicious. I've discovered some interesting flavor combinations that way, too.


I'm also pondering ways to display/organize/hang the vast array of scarves I own. I love them all, and they are too pretty to be folded in a drawer, or in hidden in my closet. Not too mention, I forget I own things when they are tucked away like that.



Some ideas so far:

The top photo is from Etsy for $28.99, the next from ebay for $12.49 (I like this one a lot, and it has 20 clips, but I don't know where I could hang it from....) and the bottom one from Amazon for $149.99 (!!!) Ouch. Not getting that one.. but I like it the best... I just need to find something similar.

Well... back to my frenzy of productivity! ;)

Heute ist Sonntag.

What a terribly boring and unpleasant night. I remembered why I didn't hang out with Adam and Tony for the longest time. And Josh, who was once my boyfriend for three years, now annoys the shit out of me.



Well, lesson learned. Will only hang out with them in a larger group, or while we are very drunk.



Today, like every Sunday, I truly intend to clean my room. I'd really like to. I always tell myself if I clean, I get to spend 2-3 hours beforehand downloading new music to enjoy while I actually clean. So... I will do that first.



I'm also very much looking forward to the Academy Awards tonight...don't know why... I'm not necessarily a huge film buff.... but I love watching the Oscars. And I may or may not be having company to join me in this event.



And so far today, in my designated 3 hours of internet browsing laziness, I have decided I want to order some things from this site: La Chinata. My Aunt Kelley and Uncle Ken brought me back some olive oil soap from the region of Spain that creates the world's finest olive oil. I had been saving it, and finally began using it yesterday. It smells very fresh, and European. (which is exactly how I aim to smell). So I went to their website to see what else they have... and I think I need to order more! I mean, really, everyone needs some luxury olive oil products from Spain.





Also, I discovered that the fast food chain, Chick-fil-A funds anti-gay organizations. And therefore, I will no longer be eating Chick-fil-A, and neither should you! Not that I've ever had it more than 3-4 times in my life prior to finding this out....



Anywho, we shall see what the rest of Sunday has in store for me!



Arrivederci.

Snowpocalypse?

For weeks I've been looking forward to my first PTO days of the year (today and tomorrow)... I had big plans to get outside during the day, get a check up, go to the dentist, and most importantly meet with UMSL's financial aid office to discuss the possibility of attending and affording finishing school there.

But instead I am iced and snowed in! My day-0ff tasks will now be postponed to April, when I have my next PTO day.

J was here earlier (I know, I know)..but left to go to work...and he actually just irritated me the entire time he was in my company. I am literally falling out of love and LIKE with him. This is good. Seeing him now is just pure habit...because it's not fun or pleasurable at all really to be with him. I guess at this point I need to work on being stronger in saying "NO" to him when he asks to come over or to see me.

Anywho...plans for my day stuck in the apartment:

Planning/Cooking dinner!
Giving myself a mani/pedi.
Calling my debt collectors :/
And attacking the mess on my floor. The entire contents of my wardrobe is strewn about my room. Since lately I've been re-addicted to style blogs... I feel a need to organize and clean this mess... and to revitalize, refresh, remix, and renew my wardrobe... and REmove it from the floor.

Winter Blues

I've been feeling completely un-sexy lately. I think it's just because I'm currently stuck in the middle of winter: I've got a little extra "padding" after the holidays, hairy legs (I rarely shave my legs in the winter.. always wearing pants, tights, or leggings) , ultra pale and dry skin, and chapped lips. My eyes have been red lately from staring at a computer all day at work. And I also cut my very long hair a couple of weeks before Christmas. I liked the change at first.... but I miss it now! I feel like long hair is such a sign of sexiness, beauty, youth, and health.... sigh... I was very vain about my hair. Not to say it's awful now... it's just shorter, very layered, and will take awhile to get back to where it was. Sometimes it dries like a mullet because of the extreme short and long layers... and then I do hate it. Ugh.

**sigh** I'm so vain in general.. and I just want to feel pretty!!

I'm just waiting for winter to be over... so I can get some SUN, produce will be cheaper (antioxidants!!), and I can get outside and work out (without worrying about falling down icy steps like I did a month or so ago).

For now I'm trying to watch what I eat... using my handy new Calorie Counter app. And eat as many fruits and veggies as I can (can afford that is). Stay stress free.. and positive-minded. These are the best things you can do in winter, I think.


And back to the topic of hair, when it grows out again I may keep it, or I may try a cut like this:
Yes, it's also short. But I like the all-one-length-ness. Still looks sleek and sexy, and yet edgy, too. It's very cute and face-framing also. I wonder if I could pull it off?

2011 has Begun!

Ok it's not really over. Who am I kidding? And if we're being really honest here. I am in love with him... still. Simone told me I need mental help if I feel that way after everything that happened. I have analyzed (agonized over is really more like it) and thought through everything that happened countless times. I am not blind to his flaws. I see them, but I still see so much good. This has really been on my mind. Am I naive? I don't know. The good times were so good, that they seem to outshine everything else...

My bills don't scare me anymore. I opened up an envelope for the first time in months today.

And I'd really like to find a way to exercise and eat healthy that works for me... i.e. only having free time to be go running or walk early in the morning and late at night...currently in the winter.. in the city.

I'd love to eat a diet of mostly healthy, raw foods... but it's so expensive! I'm trying to think of ways to make these things work, and make them a priority though. Brave the cold to exercise in the winter? Get up to go running at 6am? Invest in work out shoes/clothes? CUt out my morning coffees to save up to buy veggies and fruit every week? I think I can do it. My life in the past few months has shown me some of my biggest assets: my ability to adapt, think creatively, do the unexpected, and make things work in my own way!

Doesn't all this sound very clear headed? Lately I've reached a place where I feel like I can look back at the past 3-4 years and think... whoa I was going crazy! I literally don't know where my head was at! I still don't regret anything, but I can tell my state of mind now is different, and healthier than it has been in awhile. (And yes, i know the J thing might not seem very healthy... but lately it has brought me more happiness, than stress and anxiety like it used to).

At this rate, things are bound to get better and better! 2011 is gonna be a good year, I think.

Repeat After Me...

I think that, for me atleast, the key to self improvement is picking one thing to work on and sticking to it. And focusing on only that, until it is achieved.

There are many, many things I need to change right now in my life. I know I am a very intelligent, cultured, unique, kind person. (And knowing that retains my self-esteem.) I have learned a lot and experienced a lot (what I treasure most are the experiences I've had over the past 3-4 years). However, I have not accomplished a lot. Life is about learning and experiencing as much as you can, but also about putting that knowledge and experience to use and doing something with it! My life thus far has been about experiencing, but now it needs to be about doing.

The problem is, when I try to work on the many things that need changing, it becomes overwhelming and nothing is achieved.

Some ideas on my "one thing" to work on....

-Cut out the negatives in my life. (Possibly too broad and vague.. but this would apply to a lot right now).

-Don't avoid things or people.

-Make every decision with the future in mind.

-Decide what exactly I want in life and make every choice according to that goal. (This entails sitting down and detailing what it is that I truly want... which is a complex issue in itself...).

I need to do some thinking on which of these will be my new "mantra."

Vay-cay

I'm off for the next seven days and that is fabulous!

What is not fabulous is that I have no money. (literally. none.) And no car.

So, I'm going to get out and do things on foot. Free things. Walk in Tower Grove. Walk to Compton Hill. Explore the neighborhood on the north side of the park.
And also productive things that I've been putting off. Like organizing my closet/wardrobe, downloading songs/podcasts to put on my iPod, dealing with credit card and loan companies (as noted here), and cleaning my room.

It is after 2pm and I still am in my pjs and I'm loving it. I've been looking at street style blogs for hours. They make me happy.
Here are my favorite looks:


(I've yet to find any flat ankle boots as per the current trend, that I like.... until now!)

Saturday musings

I'm having a good Saturday so far. Despite waking up to a raging hangover and having to brave the cold to find an escaped Mikey....I'm in a good mood! Did not fight with Jesse, had some delicious bagel bread with marscarpone and cherry preserves, and got rid of my headache within an hour!

Can't believe I'm already three weeks in at my new job. 17 more weeks of training to go!

About this time last year I discovered fashion blogs like Facehunter, the Sartorialist, and Chictopia...and decided to try and be braver with my own style. But in the last few months I've gotten away from that, and I think I'm going to go through my closet today and try and get creative with my clothes again.

Here are some looks I really like from various street style blogs....

Maybe its seasonal

Sometimes I feel like life is so wonderful and beautiful and full of possibilities. And sometimes I feel like mine is so ruined and I'm so far from getting to where I once thought I could be, that settling for less is not even worth it.

I guess a lot of people feel that way.

It seems funny that it's such a struggle to stay positive. I really try though, I do.

I love the friends I have - Christina, Simone, Mandi (and others, though I'm not as close to them anymore)

I love my family.

I love Jesse (so much it scares me and makes me want to run, but that's another story...)

I am really starting to like my new job. The possibilities it offers excite me!

I love that spring and summer are only a couple months away. For me, the new year and the beginning of spring always bring a sense of hopefulness, happiness, and excitement.

Here are a few things I want to get started:

-Eating healthier and exercising every day.

-Taking better care of Mikey - more attention, more grooming, more exercise for him!

-Keeping my room clean!!

-Maintaining my relationships with those I care about! Letting my actions reflect that I really do care...

-Unleashing my creative side more often!

-Taking better care of my appearance, style, makeup, skin etc! Even if I can't be super skinny right away, I can still be hot in other ways!!

Happy Birthday Mom!

So I'm kind of ditching out on Claire...
we were supposed to hang out this evening, walk Clementine, get some dinner, and study.

But A) its Mom's birthday and dad is out of town- so she'd be home alone, B) I will probably end up eating junk and ice cream with claire and I've already eaten too many Samoas and Thin Mints today, and C) maybe I'm still sort of bitter that she ditched me for Anastasia last Tuesday.

And if I stay home I'll be able to hang out with Mom on her bday and get some things done!

To Do List for the Evening:

-Work out

-Clean my room!
+ Organize earrings
+rearrange closet

-Study for German Oral midterm

-Write check for Mom

-Paint nails & Toes (they are currently bright yellow -which got mixed reviews- and were gray before that... maybe spring green, or bright purple next??)

-Pluck eyebrows

-Finish Vienna paperwork - housing, health insurance, summer registration, etc.

-Work on Creative Strategies photo project (which is actually pretty cool - I haven't gotten to play with photo editing so much before)




I'm going to wineries with Christina on Saturday in St. Gen! Very exciting!
A little vino sounds delicious right now. mmmm.