Beautiful Surprises

Well, It's been over a year since my last post.  Life has changed so much for the better!  I have met the most kind, genuine, conscientious, free-thinking, and compatible man.  We fell in love, moved in and created our little home together, took in a rambunctious kitten, and now we are expecting our first child in less than two months!

Overall, I could not be more thankful for what my life has become.  I/we have had our ups and downs along the way, too.  But no person, relationship, or situation is perfect.

I'll also be moving on from flying.  I loved my two-year career as a flight attendant, but now I am beginning my adventure as a mother to my little boy and I don't want to be away from him and our family!  So I currently am not working, but preparing to be a mom and taking care of our home.  I will most likely start searching for a new career a couple months after my little guys is born... and I am excited for whatever new opportunity presents itself to me.

With all of these life changes I have been feeling so many emotions (and all of the pregnancy hormones magnify these too!).  I have so many goals, and a lot of things I'm still unsure about.  So, to calm my mind and organize my thoughts I wanted to come back here to get everything off my chest.

Something that's always been important to me is having a healthy, whole, and "clean" lifestyle in terms of what I eat, and products I use on my body and in my home.  This is now especially important since our son is coming into the world.  I'll be breastfeeding him, and like now while he is in the womb, everything I eat becomes what nourishes him, as well.  T (my partner) and I try to purchase organic foods when possible and choose ones that are especially nourishing.  We do all this on a very tight budget and I am constantly trying to research the best way to do this and get creative.  It can be a challenge and I hope we can stick with this goal once our lives get a little more hectic while caring for a newborn.

I truly believe that the events that take place in our lives, good or bad, occur to lead us down the path we are meant to be on.  I can look back and see so many situations that I questioned while they were happening, but later realized what a positive difference they made in my life.
Getting pregnant with Baby T was a great surprise to us, but a wonderful one.  After showing T my positive pregnancy test, we both just smiled at each other and hugged with joy.  We didn't plan or prepare beforehand like some other parents might, but we've had the last 8 months to do our very best.  I think we will be wonderful parents, but we do worry sometimes about just one thing: our finances.  I know in my heart everything will turn out just fine, even better than I expect; however I can't help but have some anxiety.  T & I believe that, of course you need to work in life to earn the means to care for your self, family, and home; but we are not materialistic and don't need a lot beyond the basics.  We prioritize where our money needs to go, allow ourselves just a few indulgences (everyone needs that), and try to be as smart and frugal as possible besides that.  We try to remind ourselves that stressing and worrying over money is not worth it.  We work hard and do our best, and beyond that, worrying gets us nowhere.  When we focus on what we are lucky enough to have already, the things we are thankful for, the people we love, and the possibilities in front of us...we tend to realize there is not much to fret over, at all.  And so far, so good. We are doing pretty darn well!  When we look at others who invest too much energy and focus on money... either loving it, hoarding it, or lamenting over a lack of it...we feel a bit sorry for them and see how distracted they are from the true blessings in life.  It's all in your attitude and mindset!

Also, in these 9 months of preparation, I have really wanted to work on being the kind of person I want to teach my son to be.  I still have a long way to go on that journey, but knowing that it is a journey is one step accomplished!  I want to be and do a lot of things....

-Be more honest with myself and others, while also being more forgiving towards myself and others.

-Coming to peace with past mistakes and choices....seeing them as situations to learn from and being grateful that they were all part of getting me to the great place I'm in now.

-Knowing that when I want to accomplish a task, whether small or large, I need to focus on doing it little by little. Doing something each day to work towards a greater goal.  My mistake in the past has been feeling I need to accomplish something all at once and in a short amount of time; leading me to give up easily, feel overwhelmed, overdo things, and subsequently feel guilt over abandoning goals.

-Incorporate more "spirituality" into my life.  For me, this does not mean attending a church or reading religious texts.  But I do want to feel a sense of "connected-ness" to nature, other people, and a "higher power." (I am still forming my thoughts on what this means and what I believe).  I'd like to try meditating, walking outdoors, and enjoying what's around me without the over-stimulation of cell phones, tv, computers, etc.  I also found meaning, positive changes, and comfort in some of the teachings of Jewish Kabbalah a couple years ago.  I no longer think that I necessarily need to follow the Kabbalah... but I did like the teaching to be open to signs and messages around us.  I want to keep my eyes, ears, mind, and heart open to wise words from others --whether that be the cashier at the gas station, a friend, or someone I don't even like.  Or signs, symbols, and messages in nature, books, etc.  I also found growth in the past from viewing conflict with others as a reason to turn inward and see what I can learn and change about myself.

-I'd like to be a better partner to T.  We already have a better relationship than I could have ever imagined.  But there are definitely ways I know I could improve.  I'd like to be more open to accepting him exactly as he is and to let go of a desire to change him.  We are very like-minded people, but there are a couple of big things we disagree on... and we tend to go in circles arguing about them... and I let them get to me.  I'd like to reach a point where, while I do continue to communicate my thoughts or feelings, I approach him with more open-ness, tolerance, love... and faith that he would never do anything to hurt me or our family.  I'd like to have more patience, "sweetness," and "gentle-ness" towards him.  With all the hormonal changes I've been going through and some of the normal pre-baby anxiety I've had.... I've been less than patient and very critical and demanding.  I realize I can't expect perfection (from T OR myself) and that I should appreciate all that he does do for me and our household.

-I'd also like to be the best mother I can.  I know this another area where I cannot expect perfection of myself.  But I care SO MUCH.  I want to be patient, loving, positive, gentle, fun, and respectful.  I want to raise Baby T to feel security, trust, unconditional love, and open-ness in the relationship he has with T & I.  He is his own person and we are here to love him for who he is and guide him as he grows and explores the world and sets off down whatever path he chooses.  We do want to teach him to be socially conscious...to treat ALL people as equals and recognize and fight against injustices.  We want him to be free of prejudices and judgements.  We want him to prioritize being HIMSELF and feeling confident in everything he is.  I hope to instill a sense of curiosity and adventurousness about life and the world...learning and experiencing lots of things throughout his time on this planet.  I hope to have the patience and ability to overcome ego when it comes to times of conflict, discipline, and frustration with raising a child.  I hope to be able to always teach him WHY we are setting a rule about something; and not just expect him to blindly follow.  I want to welcome his questions and inquisitive-ness.  And, lastly, something I have learned from T-- to approach all things (parenting and otherwise) with a sense of humor!  To be a little more light-hearted.  We can always use more laughter and smiles!

Ok, so I'm already feeling a little more at peace!  Writing is always therapeutic for me.  I don't know when I'll be back to write again --because life is about to become much busier! :) But I know I'll return with lots of great things to write about!

Autumn

I'm aware that you couldn't have been labeling  the time of year as "summer" for quite awhile now... but I think today is the first day it has really felt like Fall to me. 

It's overcast, a bit cool, and the trees are full of color.   

Fall (and breakups) make me want to listen to Adele (her first album).  It seems therapeutic and festive and warm. 

Plus I'll be sleeping in New Hampshire tonight.  That seems like a perfect place to be in the midst of Autumn, doesn't it?  I also just bought some dark red ("oxblood" you might say) lipstick and nail polish to wear on this trip. 

And if one is still hurting a bit over the end of a fling... then it seems this is the right time of year to be doing it.  The gloomy mood of October makes it feel as if everyone and everything else is comiserating with you. 

 

My favorite things on the internet.

These are the only things that can cheer me up when I'm PMS-ridden or full of break-up angst. 

My most-loved sites for shopping, photos, articles, etc......

XoJane

Recently discovered this site...full of articles, opinion columns, & reviews, etc. .  These writings are so honest, hilarious, feminist, insightful, unafraid, and real.  I'm addicted!! 

Etsy

Like a virtual open-air bazaar with handcrafted goods, art, clothing, accessories, products, etc.  Also great source for vintage finds.  All price ranges and tastes.  Also, great to support independent crafts-people. 

SHYB

Feeling bad about your physical appearance? I try to look at this site every day to remind me that there are all shapes and sizes out there and I shouldn't waste time hating myself!!   Real people and real pictures.

The Perfumed Court

I am addicted to perfumes/oils/fragrance.  This site allows me to indulge without spending a fortune.  They decant small amounts of luxury/classic/niche fragrances in vials/rollers/mini- spray bottles for very affordable prices.

Pinterest

An obvious choice. But so addictive.  The best part , for me, are the recipe ideas.

Frocks & Frou Frou

Fashion blog.  This girl is Australian, curvy, classy, unique, naturally beautiful, and I absolutely love her style. 

Underground New York Public Library

Where I go to find ideas for which book I'll read next.  Also, I can vicariously ride the NYC subway via the photos. 

Modcloth

Awesome online boutique.  Not always the cheapest. But everything is MY STYLE to a "T."

Simple Dreams

Visual inspiration for all things 1930s-1960s. 

Broken Record

Round 27 (??) of trying to find a man.

I write this now as I try not to think of my latest break-up after a 1-2 month relationship.  On the bright side, I've broken up with all of them, and not the reverse. (All except one).  I have just become very picky and unable to put up with anything less than awesome treatment.  I guess that isn't a bad thing. 

I have been thinking of how sad it is that Iraq veterans become so fucked up.  I have now dated two who seem like happy, healthy, successful men... until I dig a little deeper under the surface and see how ridden with anxiety and fear they are.  They put up so  many barriers which makes it nearly impossible for them to have a normal relationship; despite the fact that they are desperate to find just that, settle down, and have a family. 

Sigh, I'm not going to dwell on that. I'm just going to learn from it and consciously decide never to date a veteran again. 

Additionally, I've decided to go on a hiatus from men, dating, and sex.  I tried this before, unsuccessfully.  But I'm a much stronger person, now.  I need to "clear my energy," if you will.  Focusing so much on men and dating has absolutely drained my energy and happiness.  My head has been spinning with it.  So, I'm done for awhile. 

Things to look forward to in the near future:

-My travels, as usual. And making the most of them.
-Making homemade vanilla extract for Christmas presents this year.
-More friend & family time!!
-Undertaking some sort of project--art, re-organizing, or otherwise. (Need to do more thinking on this).
-Starting an online shop selling vintage clothes & accessories.  (Really excited to do this, but I'm trying to think of what I can do to set it apart from the zillions of other vintage shops out there.)
-Working out more; I've gotten away from this.
-Writing more about my travels.  So many interesting things happen!

Ok, blogging therapy, over. And I feel better!!! :)

Getting It & Keeping It

I feel I keep coming across damaged people.  I can't keep taking on someone with a problem and hoping to "heal" them.  I do have a big heart and do want to help, but it consistently ends in me being hurt and unhappy.  And still alone in the end. 

I wonder if anyone sees me as a damaged person. 

It is very sad to me, how many people I have met whose whole lives, personality, outlook, reactions, etc have changed due to being involved in a war.  It is dark stuff to dig into.  And I'm not sure it can be fixed. 

On a lighter note, I'm looking forward to long layovers coming up in Toronto, Jacksonville, Austin, Bozeman, Madison, and Chicago.
I'm going to try and plan atleast one interesting thing to do in each city.

I'm trying to think of something else positive to write about, but I can't! I guess that's the PMS talking...    

Maybe next time!! 

Dissatisfaction

Ok, so I apparently only post new entries when I'm not doing/feeling so great.

So here I am.  Everything SHOULD be great, as I have the best job on earth and I get to travel all over the country, see new places, meet new people, and make new friends constantly.  Sigh, why can't I just be happy with this?? 

I've been feeling blue the last few weeks.  I can think of a few obvious reasons.  One being another failed relationship.  The hardest thing about a break-up is that when you fall for someone you feel like a new future opens up ahead of you.  You see the life you could have with them.  Then, when it's over that path is ripped away from you.  And it's just you again. You have to pave your way alone, and that really makes me sad.  

I had a long talk with someone recently about what it takes to find a great person and have a great relationship.  And I think I have a lot to work on before I'm ready.  And I think that even when I meet a great person, I need to feel them out for a long time before jumping into a deeper emotional/physical relationship with them.  That said, it just seems like a long time ahead of me that I will be alone. 

It's also rather unfulfilling to entertain casual, lighter relationships in the mean time.  So solitude it is, I suppose. 

Aside from pondering relationships... my usual existential banes are gettin' me down.  Money. Parents. Attempting to get out on my own.  Deciding whether to finish school.  Fixing my bad habits. Trying to not hate my body.
Sigh.    

I do, however, think that feeling sad or angry or desperate opens up the creative, and thoughtful side of me.  It makes life feel a little more real and meaningful.  I think when you look around and you don't like your life or the world around you... it makes you want to create something to make it better.  I guess when people talk about the "Artistic temperament" they are referring to someone in a constant state of dissatisfaction??  Maybe that's a bit negative... but just something that occurred to me today. 

Regardless, wanting to create or learn does feel good.  I want to do a sort of "independent study" in literature.  I want to read great novels.  And make something with my hands.    That would make me happier, I think.  

Other thoughts today:

I want to go to NYC for a day and ride the subway all day. 
I want to be able to say I "dabble in photography."
I wish I wasn't wired to rely on novelty to stimulate me and derive happiness from, mostly, that in life.
Weddings are generally silly, over the top wastes of money.  Kind of like how Christmas distorts the "reason for the season." 
I'm developing a slight fear of flying.  Only because statistically my chances of danger are very much increased. 

Ok, so today I am going to try and get some sunshine, make something, and do some productive things.  Hopefully I will feel better by the end of the day. 

Writing helps too.  I should do this more regularly.

2012: Out with the Old, In with the New!

Happy New Year!

Like everyone else, I have several resolutions for 2012, and one of them is blogging more! 
So here I go....

As the year is beginning, I have been feeling very contemplative.  Here are a few of the things I learned in 2011...
-EVERYTHING....I repeat, EVERYTHING, happens for a REASON!
-The world is full of beauty, and if you take time to notice it, it can bring you a lot of joy!
-Taking care of your body, eating healthy, and staying active really are easy things you can do to look and feel great (I know, this sounds so cliche, but doing just this got me through the end of 2011!!). 
-It is extremely important to remember to be kind, forgiving, and loving to YOURSELF!
-Every person who walks into your life is brought there to teach you something and help you grow.
-Your path may not be like everyone else's, but its yours...embrace it!
-Feed your subconscious mind with good thoughts, affirmations, and experiences...it controls and effects everything in the way you live your life and view your world!
-STOP WORRYING.
-Gratitude, perspective, optimism, a willingness to learn from mistakes, and good friends & family can get you through anything!





Besides blogging more... my other goals and resolutions for 2012 are the following:

-Read more books, classics and otherwise.
-Cook dinner for my family weekly.
-Do more yoga and keep up with regular running.
-Be a more organized and neat person.
-Work on not being late to everything! :)
-Create a flower/veggie/herb garden in the spring.
-Travel...I didn't travel at all in 2011, so even if it's just daytrips, I need to see new places this year!


So excited for whatever is to come this year! 

L'Shanah Tova!

As some of my friends know, I have a fascination with Judaism despite being raised Catholic. I also like to think, with my Polish heritage, dark features, and from once being told that I tripped someone's "Jew-dar," that I am racially Jewish and don't even know it.

So whether my Judaism is hidden in my blood or simply something I like to fantasize about... I am celebrating Rosh Hashanah (September 28-30)this year in my own little way.

From HowStuffWorks.com:

"Rosh Hashanah is one of two High Holidays in the Jewish religion, the other being Yom Kippur, which occurs 10 days after Rosh Hashanah begins. These two holidays form the High Holiday period, arguably the most significant time in the Jewish year, as it marks the chance for repentance and forgiveness in the eyes of God. During the High Holidays, Jews cleanse their soul and get the chance to start fresh with an unburdened conscience and the intention of doing better in the coming year........It is a key moment, a time to reflect on past mistakes and resolve in front of God to not repeat them in the coming year. It is also a celebration of man's free will -- making the conscious decision to look inside oneself, to look truly at one's life and make amends."

My dear friend and novice Kabbalist, Mandi, texted me this evening with these words of advice regarding the day: "It's Rosh Hashanah! You must celebrate! You're supposed to pray to whomever your higher power is, for all the things you want this next year. And don't... I mean DON'T... say NO to anyone! Charlie and I just gave two homeless dudes a glass of beer, cigs, and pizza."

(This is why I love her.)

In my own foray into Kabbalism, I've been following Yehuda Berg's Daily Tune-up blog for a regular dose of wisdom and motivation. He says this on Rosh Hashanah:

"What’s the #1 thing we can do to connect with the blessings available on Rosh Hashana?

For me, one of the biggest things during Rosh Hashana is to never focus on ourselves. We all have our dreams, our wishes, our desires for the upcoming year. During the for 48 hours of Rosh Hashana, focusing on somebody else’s needs is key to making not only all of our own come true, but those of the entire world. .....Many times we’re given specific difficulties in our lives so that we can help someone else going through the same. If you have financial problems, instead of praying for yourself, pray for someone you know needs money more than you. If you have health issues, instead of focusing on your own, really connect to sending healing energy to someone else who needs it.......it’s important to ignite both consciousness and actions of selflessness for these 48 hours. The smallest acts add up quickly. Open the door for someone, make sure everyone else is served before you, if you see someone looking lonely make sure you say hello and talk with them.

Everything we give comes right back to us."


So with the words of a best friend and a Kabbala guru in mind, I've been preparing for my own little celebration.

Tomorrow I shall eat apples and honey (the traditional fodder of the holiday), pray near a body of water (another Rosh Hashanah practice), and do something kind for someone else.

And tonight, I'm reflecting on who and what I'm grateful for... I don't have much to give to others in terms of money or material things... but I have love, well wishes, and positive vibes to send to those I care about.

...and I'm praying, well in my own way. Sometimes this blog is the closest thing I have to a heartfelt prayer. And the things I put to paper, or those that come from a meaningful hand to a keyboard...are the most poignant to me in the long run.

Life hasn't been easy lately, but I have to look around and admit I am blessed - amazing friends, family who are there for me at my best and worst, my health, a comfortable bed to sleep in, a roof over my head, food to eat, my sanity ( well mostly), and a sense of hope in my spirit.

I'm grateful for these people and things. I'm grateful for a few possibilities that have opened up to me recently. And I'm grateful for the lessons I've learned in the past year.

What I pray for in the coming year is for my own health and happiness and that of my loved ones, to continue to learn valuable lessons and put them to practice, to find courage in myself, and to take the right leap forward in life (wherever that may lead me!).

L'Shanah Tova!

Strange but True

It's hard not to feel that everyone sees my situation and pities me, looks down on me, judges me, or thinks "we told you so."

Maybe they are. But why does it even have to be a "situation?" This is the life I have, was meant to have, and why should I fret about the past.

My mother asked me...Aren't I envious of all my friends who are moving up in the world and leaving me behind? Shouldn't that make me feel bad about myself?

Is that question supposed to help anything?

I think my ego is bruised, my pride is hurt... but deep down I am really happy. I am unattached ... to a man, career, or place. I have to get some things in order, but then I can really do ANYTHING.

My debt is overwhelming.. but atleast I'm not alone in dealing with it anymore. I'm not going crazy trying to find a guy to support me and help me pay it.

The only good thing to come of my man-hunt... was the suggestion of joining the military.. from J#2. Crazy, I know. Goes against my old beliefs, yes. But where did those principles get me? This is a SOLUTION to many problems. Also seems scary as hell, but that kind of excites me in a strange way. I'm considering the Navy. I've been through a lot... and I've already had a gun pointed at me before. In the last weeks, I've been close to a deathwish... atleast if I could go out, it would be doing something good for others.

Yes, I'm serious about this. I've been waiting for a long time for a path that feels right and holds a bright future. This idea stood out to me right away and I haven't been able to stop thinking about it. I suppose the next steps are still paying down my debt, and then speaking with a recruiter.

It feels good to finally have some hope and optimism.

If at first you don't succeed....

So, my new goal of weening myself off of men has not been off to a good start.

But the first step to change is admitting you have a problem, right? And I am becoming very aware of how reliant I am upon men/relationships/sex/attention for happiness. How hard it is to not use these things ....is showing me how much I need to change.

Seeking happiness in the way that I've been trying to in the last several years... is ultimately leaving me very empty.

So, I'm going to be patient with myself and keep trying to move forward.

Today-- doing some cleaning, downloading some music, requesting books to read from the library....

Going to bed early tonight, and getting up early tomorrow morning to go running (on my own... no drill sargent partner necessary!!) before work!

The Story of One of the Best Days of My Life

So, I was just on facebook and my friend Richard from England messaged me for the first time in awhile! He is a writer for The Sun in London, and he bought me several Carlsbergs on a plane ride from Bratislava to London once.

Talking to him totally brought back memories of that day... and upon reflection... I think it is literally up there in the top 10 best days of my life thus far.

At the end of my three months in Vienna, I had planned to meet Mandi, Steven, Christina, and her cousin Krista in Cork, Ireland.. and then spend 10 days traveling around Ireland with them.

So, I had to get myself and all of my belongings (i.e. a giant bag with everything I had accumulated over the summer) from my apartment in Vienna, Austria to a small bed and breakfast in Cork, Ireland... by myself.

Prior to the big day of travel, I was really anxious about setting off by myself across Europe. But it was such a great, challenging, adventure of a day. It made me realize traveling by myself is one of my favorite things.

I woke up extremely early that morning, got myself ready and gathered up the rest of my belongings from the apartment Emily and I had been living in all summer. I had already said my goodbyes to Beau, Colleen, Amber, Jeff, and everyone else from Vienna. I hugged my California-girl roommate goodbye and dragged my bags down the three flights of marble steps and barely made the bus to the U-bahn (underground) station a few blocks away. I carried my heavy luggage up the escalator (only standing to the right of course, as I quickly had learned months earlier) and waited on the platform. The next train arrived shortly and I was off to the Westbahnhof (central train station). Which is a train station in the old-fashioned sense, not light rail. Months before I even left for Vienna I had purchased Eurail tickets for the 90 minute trip between Vienna and Bratislava. Before I knew it, the train was slowing down and we were entering Bratislava.

Everything is very different in Bratislava from Vienna, or anywhere else I've been... it's not quite the desolate, post-Soviet place it's made out to be in the movie Eurotrip... but it's definitely no world-class European city. The buildings look cheaper, the people look at you suspiciously (yet are friendly if they realize you are too), and the bus system is to be avoided at all costs --angry drivers, and 20-second stops during which you'd better hurry your ass on or off unless you'd like to get a Slovakian earful!

I had learned my lesson during my first time in Bratislava with Beau, Jeff, Colleen, and Amber when we flew from Bratislava to Pisa for a weekend. We attempted to take a bus to the airport. We waited at the bus stop outside the train station for nearly 45 minutes...finally a bus came flying over to us and came to a sudden halt. When we attempted to get on (no one else was waiting) the driver simply yelled something at us and walked away. Apparently we weren't getting on that bus.
We ended up taking a cab that time, which is what I did, also, when I went back.

You might be wondering what I was doing in Bratislava in the first place, when I really just needed to get to Cork. For some reason the Vienna airport, which is very nice and full of luxury shops, does not connect with many airlines.. only the major ones and some expensive inter-European lines. Thus, many travelers take the short trip to Bratislava to utilize Ryanair.. the most complaint-worthy , yet cheapest way to get around Europe.

So...I had arrived in Bratislava the second time. And for a moment, thought to myself, "what the hell am I doing traveling all alone, lugging around a bag that feels like it contains two small children, in fucking Bratislava??" This went through my mind as I struggled to get my bag up each and every concrete step of two flights of stairs. Stopping to cough for a moment (I had gotten sick towards the end of the summer... too many nights of drinking and smoking, and lack of sleep!)--Every Slovakian walking by glared (assuming I had brought Swine Flu from America). And no one thought to offer help to the American barely getting up the steps. But, I finally made it, and made a beeline to the restroom. Of course I only got in after paying 3 euro to the man in the booth next to it.

After drying my hands next to greasy gypsy-looking women who appeared to be bathing in the restroom, and blonde Euro girls putting on coats of eyeliner , I headed back outside the building to catch my cab.

A nice 30-something blonde Slovakian with a mullet put all my bags into the car and drove me to the airport. We attempted conversation... I tried two languages, English and German, but he only spoke Slovakian! The only word of it I knew was 'Miro'..the name of hot Slovak who was my roommate's secret lover all summer in Vienna.

Finally I arrived at the airport...several hours had already passed on my long day of travel! I picked up a sandwich of European mystery meat and cheese at the airport cafe, smoked a cigarette outside while a hairy old man stared at me, and then headed to the check-in area.

This is where some could say my day took a turn for the worse...but looking back..it was quite worth it. I waited in a long line of travellers to weigh my bag, and watched in horror as person after person was told their bag was over the weight limit, given some sort of voucher and told to go wait in a second big line at a separate window. People would go over to a trash can and discard random things out of their bag.
I knew there was no way I was going to get into the gate without hassle... as my bag was already twice the size of most people's and there was absolutely nothing in it I was about to get rid of. And I was correct, as I made it to the front of the line, the Ryanair girl told me I'd either have to get my bag under weight or pay 200 euro (more than double what my ticket had been in the first place). And since I'd booked two separate flights, I'd have to pay it again in London.

I wanted to cry, but I just thought "fuck, I have to pay the fee to get my bags over with me." And I thought maybe I'd try to fight it in London. I distracted myself by watching a white-haired man in shorts, socks, sandals, a yellow t-shirt, and a plaid blazer argue with a clerk in a thick Scottish accent...over the very same problem I was having. I eventually made it to the front of the line and behaved like an American bitch, but still had to pay the fine.

At this point I was in an awful mood...I checked my bag after waiting in a third long line, and sulked to my gate. I slumped back in my chair, and prepared to wait for 45 minutes before we would board.

A few minutes later, someone sat next to me, I had put in my iPod and didn't even look over. "Where are you off to??" he said in a very British accent. I looked up and realized this English man, who happened to look eerily like J, was talking to me. I told him I had just finished a summer studying in Vienna and was headed to meet friends in Cork. He was a journalist who had just finished a trip through Eastern Europe and was headed home. His name was Richard Newlove. Richard Newlove...what a great name.
We made light conversation.. and a few minutes later the white-haired Scottish man came hustling over and sat next to us... still complaining about his baggage fees. I told him I sympathized, and had to pay them, too. Richard and this man (Ian was his name) had a short unintelligible conversation amongst eachother in equally strong brogues, and then turned back to me to involve me in the conversation.
We ended up sitting together, the three of us.... English man, American girl, and old Scottish man.....on the plane (and yes I sat there thinking, this is my dream come true!!). We had several Carlsbergs (my first and only Carlsbergs) on the plane bought by Richard and shared travel stories. Ian told us about a group he was in called Hash (??)...apparently not drug related whatsoever...but an international group for going running and then getting heavily drunk right after. According to Ian, there are branches of this group all over the world... and he had just left a Hash Meet in Vienna (where he was a professor and split his time with living in London). It turned out that Ian and I knew the same bartender, Ollie, at the Irish pub that I had frequented all summer, Flanagan's. We all went through customs together after landing, and then we had to say farewell to Richard. I had gotten his information, and as noted, we became facebook friends eventually.

Ian offered to buy me lunch, knowing that I had no pounds...only Euros, and was not going to exchange my Euros for pounds since I was only going to be at Heathrow for a few hours. We ate at Starbucks-type cafe and he gave me several pounds to use for the remainder of my time there. I don't remember everything we talked about... but I do remember that when he had to leave...he said it was nice to meet me and walked away... took a few steps, turned back around came over, kissed me on the cheek and told me he just loved to stare into my eyes... and then he turned back around and walked off again. I was a bit stunned...but flattered...that a 60-something Scottish man had said this to me.

Soon, it was time for me to check-in to my next flight-- London to Cork. I got back into another very long line in the Ryanair area. And of course, encountered the same thing. I was told I had to pay to weigh my bags so they could calculate the correct fee and then directed to one of the coin operated machines for doing this. At this point, my good spirits just about wore off again. Time was beginning to tick and I didn't want to miss my final flight. I didn't have enough pounds to pay for this machine, and I sure as hell didn't want to wait in two more lines only to give up another 200 euro! An airport employee, probably noticing the look of defeat on my face, came up and asked if he could help me with anything. And , low and behold, it was a red-haired Irish man. I smiled gratefully, said yes!, and explained my lack of British currency. At this moment an angry-looking businessman approached the Irish man, inquiring about something in a hurry, and the Irish man told him he'd have to wait since someone much prettier had gotten to him first!! The Irish man took me over to a check-in counter that was not being used at the moment, told me to wait there, and sent over a woman, who also turned out to be Irish. She said "don't tell anyone, my dear, just put your bag here, and we'll take care of ya." She weighed my bag for me, for free, gave me the voucher, and sent me back off to wait in just one more line. I couldn't be mad though, because the Irish people had been so nice, and had reminded me of my destination... which was the whole reason why I'd set off on my journey in the first place. And they'd been fine examples of the very reason why I love Ireland.. the people!

So I forked over the fee, and hurried across Heathrow to my gate. Once there, I waited in line again...but this time it was a line full of Irish people, with Irish accents. And I had no problem at all standing among them. I was tired, and quite drained of funds, but brimming with excitement to get to my favorite place in the world!

It was a very quick flight to Cork! I got through customs there, picked up my 400 euro bags, and headed outside to have a smoke (back in the country that had got me started in the first place). Two older ladies, also smoking lady-fags (as an Irish girl called them...the long ones like Virginia Slims), said hello to me...and asked how my trip was. They advised me not to let a taxi driver charge me a penny over 20 euro for a trip to Blarney...where I told them I was headed. I thanked them, smiled to myself over meeting two more friendly Irish people, and hopped into a cab...finally on my very last leg of the trip!!
Twenty short minutes later...it was dark out and I was finally reunited with two very good friends, in my very favorite country in the most adorable little bed and breakfast!

What a day!!!!

Love reminiscing about it... and I'd love to travel by myself like that again!

Don't Want to Be Spun Around

Once burned, twice shy
Too much of your light make me blind
I'd wait all night
But you left one too many times
I want to change the orbit
Don't care what you do now
I want to live in darkness
Don't want to be spun around

You go down, down, down
I fall out of love with you
Come back round, round, round
You sun of a gun
You go down, down, down
This time I won't save you
When you drown, drown, drown
You sun of a gun
You sun of a gun

Birds sing for you
You can make the blue sky blush
You've got them all fooled
But I am burned out on this rush
I want to change the orbit
Don't care what you do now
I want to live in darkness
Don't want to be spun around

Heute ist Sonntag.

What a terribly boring and unpleasant night. I remembered why I didn't hang out with Adam and Tony for the longest time. And Josh, who was once my boyfriend for three years, now annoys the shit out of me.



Well, lesson learned. Will only hang out with them in a larger group, or while we are very drunk.



Today, like every Sunday, I truly intend to clean my room. I'd really like to. I always tell myself if I clean, I get to spend 2-3 hours beforehand downloading new music to enjoy while I actually clean. So... I will do that first.



I'm also very much looking forward to the Academy Awards tonight...don't know why... I'm not necessarily a huge film buff.... but I love watching the Oscars. And I may or may not be having company to join me in this event.



And so far today, in my designated 3 hours of internet browsing laziness, I have decided I want to order some things from this site: La Chinata. My Aunt Kelley and Uncle Ken brought me back some olive oil soap from the region of Spain that creates the world's finest olive oil. I had been saving it, and finally began using it yesterday. It smells very fresh, and European. (which is exactly how I aim to smell). So I went to their website to see what else they have... and I think I need to order more! I mean, really, everyone needs some luxury olive oil products from Spain.





Also, I discovered that the fast food chain, Chick-fil-A funds anti-gay organizations. And therefore, I will no longer be eating Chick-fil-A, and neither should you! Not that I've ever had it more than 3-4 times in my life prior to finding this out....



Anywho, we shall see what the rest of Sunday has in store for me!



Arrivederci.

Love or Addiction...Forgiveness or Excuses?

What if there is someone in your life who has done a lot to hurt you in the past. Terrible things.
But what if deep down they do love you. What if they just have so much self-hatred and their own issues that need some serious sorting out ... that it causes them to hurt themselves and people around them.. who care about them.

Is this me making excuses, or being realistic? Is it wrong to forgive them? Is it wrong to keep them around? What if you stick around because you love them, despite everything. And you see the good in there. You just wish they would see that good in themselves.

What if you know that, if the other person had made different life choices, things could be so different.

Is this naïveness? Is this making excuses for someone, or choosing forgiveness? Is this unconditional love? I don't know. Sometimes I can't tell if it's love or addiction. I've never had such a problem letting go. Does it mean I shouldn't?

love your curves

As part of my recent goal to accept my body as is... I decided to be inspired by women who are curvy and rock it! I've been loving the blog, Fatale Fashion! The author is gorgeous, confident, and very stylish. And obviously is not ashamed of her curves!
Love this look she posted today:


And sort of on the subject...what the heck is up with a curvy girl ending up with not one, but two roommates with eating disorders??? Seriously. It's not very fun to hate yourself...or to hate food! I guess maybe this shows how common it is?? Or maybe this happened for a reason and these girls and I had/have something to learn from each other?

Strange business.

Snowpocalypse?

For weeks I've been looking forward to my first PTO days of the year (today and tomorrow)... I had big plans to get outside during the day, get a check up, go to the dentist, and most importantly meet with UMSL's financial aid office to discuss the possibility of attending and affording finishing school there.

But instead I am iced and snowed in! My day-0ff tasks will now be postponed to April, when I have my next PTO day.

J was here earlier (I know, I know)..but left to go to work...and he actually just irritated me the entire time he was in my company. I am literally falling out of love and LIKE with him. This is good. Seeing him now is just pure habit...because it's not fun or pleasurable at all really to be with him. I guess at this point I need to work on being stronger in saying "NO" to him when he asks to come over or to see me.

Anywho...plans for my day stuck in the apartment:

Planning/Cooking dinner!
Giving myself a mani/pedi.
Calling my debt collectors :/
And attacking the mess on my floor. The entire contents of my wardrobe is strewn about my room. Since lately I've been re-addicted to style blogs... I feel a need to organize and clean this mess... and to revitalize, refresh, remix, and renew my wardrobe... and REmove it from the floor.

New Day

Sounds completely ridiculous but having an app for balancing my checkbook has made a world of difference in my finances.

In other news...I am drifting away from J...it is good. It is really good. The stress/negativity/sadness/hopelessness is slowing lifting off of my spirit. There is a part of me that is still reaching out to go back to all that, but it's much quieter than the part of me ready to be happy, move forward, open myself up to something real, healthy, and wonderful with someone.

I am really hoping the predicted ice and snow do not happen this week. I am terrified of ice. I do have two days off this week though... I was planning on going to UMSL to speak with financial aid about my options for funding school.... but if I have to trek through ice and snow to get to the bus I'm not going to do it.

This weekend was so-so. I'm hoping my weekend in the middle of the week is much better.
Absolutli Goosed/Urban Lounge with Simone, Mandi, Steven, Justin, and Joey on Friday. Saturday at the Animal Hospital with J and Mikey, and Sunday all on my own doing pretty much nothing at all.

Hoping for a good week....

Dreams and Reality

I had an awful dream last night that it was New Year's Eve and in the morning I realized I hadn't been with J all night, so I went outside in the snow in a nightgown and ran around looking for him...among all these strange houses. People passing me by starting warning me of a "doomsday" type thing saying something was coming and I should take cover. I go back inside the house I was in for New Year's Eve, only to find a letter from bank saying that my wages were being garnished.

If this isn't my subconscious screaming about the things that are distressing me, I don't know what is!!!

In reality, I have not spoken to J in two days... this is the longest it's been in quite some time.


I got a new cell phone yesterday. With unlimited calls, texting, and internet usage to boot! It's Erin D 2011 as my dear friend Amber put it. haha.
But with it came a new phone number, that J does NOT have and will not be getting. And I feel a huge relief that he can't even contact me.


However, as for the second frightening factor in my dream --wage garnishment-- I suppose this could be a real possibility. The student loan debt, the bill collector calls, and the endless letters I get terrify me. I simply do not have the money to pay these bills. And the whole situation scares me so much that I usually avoid it all... I discard the letters, ignore the calls. But now the possibilities of what the consequences could be are creeping into my dreams. I have to call these companies to figure something out. I've known this for a long time, but I have to really do it.



Onto more pleasant things....I had a delicious and relaxing evening at Bailey's Chocolate Bar with Marisa and Simone. I had a Basil Mozzarella Tomato Spinach Pizzetta , a Cocoa Pumpkin Bar with Cinnamon Ice Cream, and a glass of Shiraz. What could be more perfect????
And I finally got a full night's rest last night. Feeling much better. Might even go back to sleep for a bit .. just because I can! :)

Ciao Bella

Hollywood beauties who inspire me....would love to look like any of these women!

Natalie Wood

Emmanuelle Chriqui

Audrey Hepburn

Penelope Cruz

Elizabeth Taylor

Julie Andrews

Marisa Tomei

2011 has Begun!

Ok it's not really over. Who am I kidding? And if we're being really honest here. I am in love with him... still. Simone told me I need mental help if I feel that way after everything that happened. I have analyzed (agonized over is really more like it) and thought through everything that happened countless times. I am not blind to his flaws. I see them, but I still see so much good. This has really been on my mind. Am I naive? I don't know. The good times were so good, that they seem to outshine everything else...

My bills don't scare me anymore. I opened up an envelope for the first time in months today.

And I'd really like to find a way to exercise and eat healthy that works for me... i.e. only having free time to be go running or walk early in the morning and late at night...currently in the winter.. in the city.

I'd love to eat a diet of mostly healthy, raw foods... but it's so expensive! I'm trying to think of ways to make these things work, and make them a priority though. Brave the cold to exercise in the winter? Get up to go running at 6am? Invest in work out shoes/clothes? CUt out my morning coffees to save up to buy veggies and fruit every week? I think I can do it. My life in the past few months has shown me some of my biggest assets: my ability to adapt, think creatively, do the unexpected, and make things work in my own way!

Doesn't all this sound very clear headed? Lately I've reached a place where I feel like I can look back at the past 3-4 years and think... whoa I was going crazy! I literally don't know where my head was at! I still don't regret anything, but I can tell my state of mind now is different, and healthier than it has been in awhile. (And yes, i know the J thing might not seem very healthy... but lately it has brought me more happiness, than stress and anxiety like it used to).

At this rate, things are bound to get better and better! 2011 is gonna be a good year, I think.