Buon appetito!

One of the best things I've discovered in the last few months is how much I love cooking, how great of a creative outlet it is for me, and how damn good i am at it!

Grocery shopping has become one of my favorite pastimes, as well browsing recipe sites, and digging through the pantry to see what random spice I can throw into a dish.

I took Jesse to Global Foods in Kirkwood this week and we picked up some delicious items.

Saturday musings

I'm having a good Saturday so far. Despite waking up to a raging hangover and having to brave the cold to find an escaped Mikey....I'm in a good mood! Did not fight with Jesse, had some delicious bagel bread with marscarpone and cherry preserves, and got rid of my headache within an hour!

Can't believe I'm already three weeks in at my new job. 17 more weeks of training to go!

About this time last year I discovered fashion blogs like Facehunter, the Sartorialist, and Chictopia...and decided to try and be braver with my own style. But in the last few months I've gotten away from that, and I think I'm going to go through my closet today and try and get creative with my clothes again.

Here are some looks I really like from various street style blogs....

I miss the old you. And I miss the old me.

Maybe its seasonal

Sometimes I feel like life is so wonderful and beautiful and full of possibilities. And sometimes I feel like mine is so ruined and I'm so far from getting to where I once thought I could be, that settling for less is not even worth it.

I guess a lot of people feel that way.

It seems funny that it's such a struggle to stay positive. I really try though, I do.

I love the friends I have - Christina, Simone, Mandi (and others, though I'm not as close to them anymore)

I love my family.

I love Jesse (so much it scares me and makes me want to run, but that's another story...)

I am really starting to like my new job. The possibilities it offers excite me!

I love that spring and summer are only a couple months away. For me, the new year and the beginning of spring always bring a sense of hopefulness, happiness, and excitement.

Here are a few things I want to get started:

-Eating healthier and exercising every day.

-Taking better care of Mikey - more attention, more grooming, more exercise for him!

-Keeping my room clean!!

-Maintaining my relationships with those I care about! Letting my actions reflect that I really do care...

-Unleashing my creative side more often!

-Taking better care of my appearance, style, makeup, skin etc! Even if I can't be super skinny right away, I can still be hot in other ways!!

Updates

I've started a new job.

I may have found a way to legally move to Ireland.

I've lost lots of friends.

I've gained a lot of weight.

I desperately want to change the previous two items.

I am considering moving to an apartment in the city (with or without Jesse).

Victorian Flash

Memory Sticks from ATM Studio

2010

I miss this blog.

Today I remembered how therapeutic it was to write in it everyday.
It was about a year ago (maybe exactly?) that I started it. Things started going so well in the beginning of 2009. About Mid-april a lot of things started going wrong, though.

But there's no point in beating myself up about the multitude of mistakes I've made in, not just 2009, but probably the past 4 years.

I want 2010 to be about being positive, healthy, and moving forward. And not doing it in big leaps, but just taking little steps.

A few days ago i realized something about myself.
I had the day off work, the ground was covered in snow, and I listened to music all day. I felt the happiest I've felt in a long time, and I felt like I was returning to an old self. I felt like I was awake all of the sudden. That clarity of mind allowed me to look back and see that most of the past 4 years had been a haze of negativitiy, regret, and bad decisions.

I think I have actual clinical depression.

I think that it may have started due to bad circumstances, but it never really went away, and as a result more and more bad circumstances came about. I thought about all the nights of crying, mentally being so negative about myself and my life, and feeling like my life was ruined.

I am sad that I've been under that shadow for so long. I really want to change that, I want to be happy, i want to forgive myself, I want to love who I am, and I want to love the people around me, who are important to me.

I'm sad about everything I've lost because of it -- people, opportunities, money, time. I'm sad about what it has done to my appearance - I've definitely let myself go physically.

But, again, enough with the negativity, I need to make optimism a priority.
Working at a massage therapy clinic, I am around a lot of people who believe in energies...and I've come to believe there is a lot of truth to it. Good and bad energies really do make a huge difference in people and situations and behaviors. I think that good energy attracts more good energy (and vice versa with bad energy). So, my goal is to create as much good energy as I can for myself, and for others too.

I've gotten away from enjoying art, being outside, learning everyday, trying new things, meeting new people, and staying close to friends. I'm excited to get back to all that.
I'm ready to love my life again!!