Ok, so I apparently only post new entries when I'm not doing/feeling so great.
So here I am. Everything SHOULD be great, as I have the best job on earth and I get to travel all over the country, see new places, meet new people, and make new friends constantly. Sigh, why can't I just be happy with this??
I've been feeling blue the last few weeks. I can think of a few obvious reasons. One being another failed relationship. The hardest thing about a break-up is that when you fall for someone you feel like a new future opens up ahead of you. You see the life you could have with them. Then, when it's over that path is ripped away from you. And it's just you again. You have to pave your way alone, and that really makes me sad.
I had a long talk with someone recently about what it takes to find a great person and have a great relationship. And I think I have a lot to work on before I'm ready. And I think that even when I meet a great person, I need to feel them out for a long time before jumping into a deeper emotional/physical relationship with them. That said, it just seems like a long time ahead of me that I will be alone.
It's also rather unfulfilling to entertain casual, lighter relationships in the mean time. So solitude it is, I suppose.
Aside from pondering relationships... my usual existential banes are gettin' me down. Money. Parents. Attempting to get out on my own. Deciding whether to finish school. Fixing my bad habits. Trying to not hate my body.
Sigh.
I do, however, think that feeling sad or angry or desperate opens up the creative, and thoughtful side of me. It makes life feel a little more real and meaningful. I think when you look around and you don't like your life or the world around you... it makes you want to create something to make it better. I guess when people talk about the "Artistic temperament" they are referring to someone in a constant state of dissatisfaction?? Maybe that's a bit negative... but just something that occurred to me today.
Regardless, wanting to create or learn does feel good. I want to do a sort of "independent study" in literature. I want to read great novels. And make something with my hands. That would make me happier, I think.
Other thoughts today:
I want to go to NYC for a day and ride the subway all day.
I want to be able to say I "dabble in photography."
I wish I wasn't wired to rely on novelty to stimulate me and derive happiness from, mostly, that in life.
Weddings are generally silly, over the top wastes of money. Kind of like how Christmas distorts the "reason for the season."
I'm developing a slight fear of flying. Only because statistically my chances of danger are very much increased.
Ok, so today I am going to try and get some sunshine, make something, and do some productive things. Hopefully I will feel better by the end of the day.
Writing helps too. I should do this more regularly.
