2010

I miss this blog.

Today I remembered how therapeutic it was to write in it everyday.
It was about a year ago (maybe exactly?) that I started it. Things started going so well in the beginning of 2009. About Mid-april a lot of things started going wrong, though.

But there's no point in beating myself up about the multitude of mistakes I've made in, not just 2009, but probably the past 4 years.

I want 2010 to be about being positive, healthy, and moving forward. And not doing it in big leaps, but just taking little steps.

A few days ago i realized something about myself.
I had the day off work, the ground was covered in snow, and I listened to music all day. I felt the happiest I've felt in a long time, and I felt like I was returning to an old self. I felt like I was awake all of the sudden. That clarity of mind allowed me to look back and see that most of the past 4 years had been a haze of negativitiy, regret, and bad decisions.

I think I have actual clinical depression.

I think that it may have started due to bad circumstances, but it never really went away, and as a result more and more bad circumstances came about. I thought about all the nights of crying, mentally being so negative about myself and my life, and feeling like my life was ruined.

I am sad that I've been under that shadow for so long. I really want to change that, I want to be happy, i want to forgive myself, I want to love who I am, and I want to love the people around me, who are important to me.

I'm sad about everything I've lost because of it -- people, opportunities, money, time. I'm sad about what it has done to my appearance - I've definitely let myself go physically.

But, again, enough with the negativity, I need to make optimism a priority.
Working at a massage therapy clinic, I am around a lot of people who believe in energies...and I've come to believe there is a lot of truth to it. Good and bad energies really do make a huge difference in people and situations and behaviors. I think that good energy attracts more good energy (and vice versa with bad energy). So, my goal is to create as much good energy as I can for myself, and for others too.

I've gotten away from enjoying art, being outside, learning everyday, trying new things, meeting new people, and staying close to friends. I'm excited to get back to all that.
I'm ready to love my life again!!