Tuesday, April 8, 2014

Beautiful Surprises

Well, It's been over a year since my last post.  Life has changed so much for the better!  I have met the most kind, genuine, conscientious, free-thinking, and compatible man.  We fell in love, moved in and created our little home together, took in a rambunctious kitten, and now we are expecting our first child in less than two months!

Overall, I could not be more thankful for what my life has become.  I/we have had our ups and downs along the way, too.  But no person, relationship, or situation is perfect.

I'll also be moving on from flying.  I loved my two-year career as a flight attendant, but now I am beginning my adventure as a mother to my little boy and I don't want to be away from him and our family!  So I currently am not working, but preparing to be a mom and taking care of our home.  I will most likely start searching for a new career a couple months after my little guys is born... and I am excited for whatever new opportunity presents itself to me.

With all of these life changes I have been feeling so many emotions (and all of the pregnancy hormones magnify these too!).  I have so many goals, and a lot of things I'm still unsure about.  So, to calm my mind and organize my thoughts I wanted to come back here to get everything off my chest.

Something that's always been important to me is having a healthy, whole, and "clean" lifestyle in terms of what I eat, and products I use on my body and in my home.  This is now especially important since our son is coming into the world.  I'll be breastfeeding him, and like now while he is in the womb, everything I eat becomes what nourishes him, as well.  T (my partner) and I try to purchase organic foods when possible and choose ones that are especially nourishing.  We do all this on a very tight budget and I am constantly trying to research the best way to do this and get creative.  It can be a challenge and I hope we can stick with this goal once our lives get a little more hectic while caring for a newborn.

I truly believe that the events that take place in our lives, good or bad, occur to lead us down the path we are meant to be on.  I can look back and see so many situations that I questioned while they were happening, but later realized what a positive difference they made in my life.
Getting pregnant with Baby T was a great surprise to us, but a wonderful one.  After showing T my positive pregnancy test, we both just smiled at each other and hugged with joy.  We didn't plan or prepare beforehand like some other parents might, but we've had the last 8 months to do our very best.  I think we will be wonderful parents, but we do worry sometimes about just one thing: our finances.  I know in my heart everything will turn out just fine, even better than I expect; however I can't help but have some anxiety.  T & I believe that, of course you need to work in life to earn the means to care for your self, family, and home; but we are not materialistic and don't need a lot beyond the basics.  We prioritize where our money needs to go, allow ourselves just a few indulgences (everyone needs that), and try to be as smart and frugal as possible besides that.  We try to remind ourselves that stressing and worrying over money is not worth it.  We work hard and do our best, and beyond that, worrying gets us nowhere.  When we focus on what we are lucky enough to have already, the things we are thankful for, the people we love, and the possibilities in front of us...we tend to realize there is not much to fret over, at all.  And so far, so good. We are doing pretty darn well!  When we look at others who invest too much energy and focus on money... either loving it, hoarding it, or lamenting over a lack of it...we feel a bit sorry for them and see how distracted they are from the true blessings in life.  It's all in your attitude and mindset!

Also, in these 9 months of preparation, I have really wanted to work on being the kind of person I want to teach my son to be.  I still have a long way to go on that journey, but knowing that it is a journey is one step accomplished!  I want to be and do a lot of things....

-Be more honest with myself and others, while also being more forgiving towards myself and others.

-Coming to peace with past mistakes and choices....seeing them as situations to learn from and being grateful that they were all part of getting me to the great place I'm in now.

-Knowing that when I want to accomplish a task, whether small or large, I need to focus on doing it little by little. Doing something each day to work towards a greater goal.  My mistake in the past has been feeling I need to accomplish something all at once and in a short amount of time; leading me to give up easily, feel overwhelmed, overdo things, and subsequently feel guilt over abandoning goals.

-Incorporate more "spirituality" into my life.  For me, this does not mean attending a church or reading religious texts.  But I do want to feel a sense of "connected-ness" to nature, other people, and a "higher power." (I am still forming my thoughts on what this means and what I believe).  I'd like to try meditating, walking outdoors, and enjoying what's around me without the over-stimulation of cell phones, tv, computers, etc.  I also found meaning, positive changes, and comfort in some of the teachings of Jewish Kabbalah a couple years ago.  I no longer think that I necessarily need to follow the Kabbalah... but I did like the teaching to be open to signs and messages around us.  I want to keep my eyes, ears, mind, and heart open to wise words from others --whether that be the cashier at the gas station, a friend, or someone I don't even like.  Or signs, symbols, and messages in nature, books, etc.  I also found growth in the past from viewing conflict with others as a reason to turn inward and see what I can learn and change about myself.

-I'd like to be a better partner to T.  We already have a better relationship than I could have ever imagined.  But there are definitely ways I know I could improve.  I'd like to be more open to accepting him exactly as he is and to let go of a desire to change him.  We are very like-minded people, but there are a couple of big things we disagree on... and we tend to go in circles arguing about them... and I let them get to me.  I'd like to reach a point where, while I do continue to communicate my thoughts or feelings, I approach him with more open-ness, tolerance, love... and faith that he would never do anything to hurt me or our family.  I'd like to have more patience, "sweetness," and "gentle-ness" towards him.  With all the hormonal changes I've been going through and some of the normal pre-baby anxiety I've had.... I've been less than patient and very critical and demanding.  I realize I can't expect perfection (from T OR myself) and that I should appreciate all that he does do for me and our household.

-I'd also like to be the best mother I can.  I know this another area where I cannot expect perfection of myself.  But I care SO MUCH.  I want to be patient, loving, positive, gentle, fun, and respectful.  I want to raise Baby T to feel security, trust, unconditional love, and open-ness in the relationship he has with T & I.  He is his own person and we are here to love him for who he is and guide him as he grows and explores the world and sets off down whatever path he chooses.  We do want to teach him to be socially conscious...to treat ALL people as equals and recognize and fight against injustices.  We want him to be free of prejudices and judgements.  We want him to prioritize being HIMSELF and feeling confident in everything he is.  I hope to instill a sense of curiosity and adventurousness about life and the world...learning and experiencing lots of things throughout his time on this planet.  I hope to have the patience and ability to overcome ego when it comes to times of conflict, discipline, and frustration with raising a child.  I hope to be able to always teach him WHY we are setting a rule about something; and not just expect him to blindly follow.  I want to welcome his questions and inquisitive-ness.  And, lastly, something I have learned from T-- to approach all things (parenting and otherwise) with a sense of humor!  To be a little more light-hearted.  We can always use more laughter and smiles!

Ok, so I'm already feeling a little more at peace!  Writing is always therapeutic for me.  I don't know when I'll be back to write again --because life is about to become much busier! :) But I know I'll return with lots of great things to write about!

Tuesday, December 18, 2012

La Grande Odalisque

I've been struggling with feeling good about my body for a long time.  I'm healthy, relatively active, and take care of myself... but I've never had a supermodel body... and I have a curvy figure and a bit of a tummy. 

I try to be positive and accepting of the body I was born with....but some days its hard not to compare myself or criticize myself. 

I recently had an unnamed man genuinely compliment my figure and compare me to classic Renaissance nudes ala Titian or Ingres or ancient Egyptian papyri.   He called me "Odalisque."  And I don't think I've ever felt sexier!  Maybe some wouldn't take this as a compliment, but he intended it as one an I, being the art history nerd I am, took it as one.  And I've sort of thought it myself in the past... seeing my own figure portrayed in classical paintings! 

I don't know if there are other men out there who will think this way... but I shall savor the compliment and try to own my Odalisque bod.  :)

Life as of late....

The last couple months:

Flying, flying, flying.   (And really enjoying it again. Love my job).

Still pining for a good guy.  (Optimistic despite a really awful track record).

Trying to make positive changes. 

Debating whether to get in touch with old friends I've lost touch with.

....so pretty much the same as always! :)

Tonight I'm having a holiday dinner with Christina & Annie.  Making pumpkin curry shrimp over rice with roasted baby artichokes!  Yum!

My thoughts lately include a lot of fantasizing about having a nice steady boyfriend who I have a blast with, laugh with, cook with, travel with, shop for vintage clothes with, peruse art museums with, have intellectual and spiritual discussions with, and eventually can marry & have babies with!!  Am I desperate?? ugh.  I think it's normal to want this.  Online dating has been ... not so fruitful.  Dear dating gods...please send somebody my way!!!! 

Being constantly told I'm pretty, cute, beautiful, or have "nice boots" by random men while I'm working has not resulted in Mr. Right...just affirmation that I'm nice to look at (apparently) but no one makes a further move. !!??(*&?( argh.  so frustrating. 

Sounds new-agey... but I guess I need to reverse my energy of feeling sorry for myself and pining away.  My life is great... I'm great...and the one who finds me (sooner or later) is very lucky :) 

The new year will mean enjoying my life, improving it, enjoying time with my amazing friends and family, starting a business, paying off debt, and being healthy!!  The relationship part will happen when it's right, I suppose!

Happy Holidays to anyone who may happen to read this! :)

Thursday, October 25, 2012

How She Thinks & Where She's Been

Ok, I need to rant about a few things that have really irked me lately....

So, I'm about 8 months into my current job as an airline crewmember.  Many things are fucking AWESOME about my job...but there is one thing I've noticed that really bothers me.  Sometimes I feel like workplace norms, ethics, respect, rules,etc  are stuck back in 1967.  The way that pilots and others treat flight attendants and women in general disgusts me.  The sexual harassment, belittling talk, and lack of respect is hard to tolerate sometimes.  Yesterday our Captain got mad at the First Officer for finishing a conversation he was having with me before he turned to answer a question the Captain asked him... and the Captain says loudly "GOD, What are you? A FEMALE!?" How is that ok???   This is just one example of many, many instances of sexism I see on an almost daily basis. 

Rant #2.  Last week I met my aunt to hang out with her at the dog park she takes her boxer to.  She goes there almost daily and has a group of friends she has made there and socializes with.  Most of these friends are older (40s-50s), white, wealthy Chesterfield residents.  I was introduced to them and we are standing in a circle, near others in the park, having light conversation.  One man mentions he used to have a boxer growing up named "N*****."  (Yes, the N Word).  Everyone proceeds to laugh.  I am already gawking that he has even said the word.  Then everyone starts making racist jokes and giggling.  I was shocked and disgusted that people still could be so blatantly hateful and racist.   This instance and the sexism described above just go to show how much still needs to change in our society. 

My third complaint is about, well, myself.  I am on week 2 of my break from Men/Sex/Dating.  I feel better, and also worse at the same time.  I think my subconscious is freaking out a little bit.  I haven't been TRULY single for over three years.  There's always been someone to call, stay over with, or emotionally rely on.  I don't want to be dependent on anyone else for happiness, security, confidence, or anything anymore.  But I've been having strange reactions to suddenly not having anyone.  I've been dreaming of ex boyfriends and waking up really really missing them.  I woke up pining for Ciaran this morning.  I haven't felt romantically towards him in years; it's always been platonic since we broke up, or so I thought.  And in the last week I've been trying to call and text Jacob like a desperate idiot.  In a strange turn of events, HE is now pushing me away.  Which, really, is a good thing for me.  But it's making me feel like I have to chase him, and I'm really having to fight myself not to do it.  I am just trying to view these things as withdrawal symptoms... like quitting any addiction.  Once this neediness is out of my system, I'll be in great shape.

So, I'm on day 3 of 4 of this trip. I like my crew (besides some intermittent sexism from the Captain), but this trip hasn't been going my way and I want to go home.  I haven't had a chance to enjoy much on my layovers except one delicious, albeit expensive Italian dinner on night #1.

I'm looking forward to going out with friends when i get home tomorrow.  I'll  hopefully be checking out some thrift shops for my new business endeavor, too.  I'm also hanging out with Natalia in Chicago on my next trip since I'll have a 24 hour ORD layover!  And then when I'm back home again I'm joining the YMCA with Simone and celebrating Halloween! So those things make me happy. 

Also, this post makes me happy.  Absolutely brilliant words of advice.  I think one of my favorites is: Have faith in your Gut. 

And with that in mind, I'm off to start my day of flying!!

Wednesday, October 17, 2012


I'm aware that you couldn't have been labeling  the time of year as "summer" for quite awhile now... but I think today is the first day it has really felt like Fall to me. 

It's overcast, a bit cool, and the trees are full of color.   

Fall (and breakups) make me want to listen to Adele (her first album).  It seems therapeutic and festive and warm. 

Plus I'll be sleeping in New Hampshire tonight.  That seems like a perfect place to be in the midst of Autumn, doesn't it?  I also just bought some dark red ("oxblood" you might say) lipstick and nail polish to wear on this trip. 

And if one is still hurting a bit over the end of a fling... then it seems this is the right time of year to be doing it.  The gloomy mood of October makes it feel as if everyone and everything else is comiserating with you. 


Tuesday, October 16, 2012

My favorite things on the internet.

These are the only things that can cheer me up when I'm PMS-ridden or full of break-up angst. 

My most-loved sites for shopping, photos, articles, etc......


Recently discovered this site...full of articles, opinion columns, & reviews, etc. .  These writings are so honest, hilarious, feminist, insightful, unafraid, and real.  I'm addicted!! 


Like a virtual open-air bazaar with handcrafted goods, art, clothing, accessories, products, etc.  Also great source for vintage finds.  All price ranges and tastes.  Also, great to support independent crafts-people. 


Feeling bad about your physical appearance? I try to look at this site every day to remind me that there are all shapes and sizes out there and I shouldn't waste time hating myself!!   Real people and real pictures.

The Perfumed Court

I am addicted to perfumes/oils/fragrance.  This site allows me to indulge without spending a fortune.  They decant small amounts of luxury/classic/niche fragrances in vials/rollers/mini- spray bottles for very affordable prices.


An obvious choice. But so addictive.  The best part , for me, are the recipe ideas.

Frocks & Frou Frou

Fashion blog.  This girl is Australian, curvy, classy, unique, naturally beautiful, and I absolutely love her style. 

Underground New York Public Library

Where I go to find ideas for which book I'll read next.  Also, I can vicariously ride the NYC subway via the photos. 


Awesome online boutique.  Not always the cheapest. But everything is MY STYLE to a "T."

Simple Dreams

Visual inspiration for all things 1930s-1960s. 

Broken Record

Round 27 (??) of trying to find a man.

I write this now as I try not to think of my latest break-up after a 1-2 month relationship.  On the bright side, I've broken up with all of them, and not the reverse. (All except one).  I have just become very picky and unable to put up with anything less than awesome treatment.  I guess that isn't a bad thing. 

I have been thinking of how sad it is that Iraq veterans become so fucked up.  I have now dated two who seem like happy, healthy, successful men... until I dig a little deeper under the surface and see how ridden with anxiety and fear they are.  They put up so  many barriers which makes it nearly impossible for them to have a normal relationship; despite the fact that they are desperate to find just that, settle down, and have a family. 

Sigh, I'm not going to dwell on that. I'm just going to learn from it and consciously decide never to date a veteran again. 

Additionally, I've decided to go on a hiatus from men, dating, and sex.  I tried this before, unsuccessfully.  But I'm a much stronger person, now.  I need to "clear my energy," if you will.  Focusing so much on men and dating has absolutely drained my energy and happiness.  My head has been spinning with it.  So, I'm done for awhile. 

Things to look forward to in the near future:

-My travels, as usual. And making the most of them.
-Making homemade vanilla extract for Christmas presents this year.
-More friend & family time!!
-Undertaking some sort of project--art, re-organizing, or otherwise. (Need to do more thinking on this).
-Starting an online shop selling vintage clothes & accessories.  (Really excited to do this, but I'm trying to think of what I can do to set it apart from the zillions of other vintage shops out there.)
-Working out more; I've gotten away from this.
-Writing more about my travels.  So many interesting things happen!

Ok, blogging therapy, over. And I feel better!!! :)