Well, It's been over a year since my last post. Life has changed so much for the better! I have met the most kind, genuine, conscientious, free-thinking, and compatible man. We fell in love, moved in and created our little home together, took in a rambunctious kitten, and now we are expecting our first child in less than two months!
Overall, I could not be more thankful for what my life has become. I/we have had our ups and downs along the way, too. But no person, relationship, or situation is perfect.
I'll also be moving on from flying. I loved my two-year career as a flight attendant, but now I am beginning my adventure as a mother to my little boy and I don't want to be away from him and our family! So I currently am not working, but preparing to be a mom and taking care of our home. I will most likely start searching for a new career a couple months after my little guys is born... and I am excited for whatever new opportunity presents itself to me.
With all of these life changes I have been feeling so many emotions (and all of the pregnancy hormones magnify these too!). I have so many goals, and a lot of things I'm still unsure about. So, to calm my mind and organize my thoughts I wanted to come back here to get everything off my chest.
Something that's always been important to me is having a healthy, whole, and "clean" lifestyle in terms of what I eat, and products I use on my body and in my home. This is now especially important since our son is coming into the world. I'll be breastfeeding him, and like now while he is in the womb, everything I eat becomes what nourishes him, as well. T (my partner) and I try to purchase organic foods when possible and choose ones that are especially nourishing. We do all this on a very tight budget and I am constantly trying to research the best way to do this and get creative. It can be a challenge and I hope we can stick with this goal once our lives get a little more hectic while caring for a newborn.
I truly believe that the events that take place in our lives, good or bad, occur to lead us down the path we are meant to be on. I can look back and see so many situations that I questioned while they were happening, but later realized what a positive difference they made in my life.
Getting pregnant with Baby T was a great surprise to us, but a wonderful one. After showing T my positive pregnancy test, we both just smiled at each other and hugged with joy. We didn't plan or prepare beforehand like some other parents might, but we've had the last 8 months to do our very best. I think we will be wonderful parents, but we do worry sometimes about just one thing: our finances. I know in my heart everything will turn out just fine, even better than I expect; however I can't help but have some anxiety. T & I believe that, of course you need to work in life to earn the means to care for your self, family, and home; but we are not materialistic and don't need a lot beyond the basics. We prioritize where our money needs to go, allow ourselves just a few indulgences (everyone needs that), and try to be as smart and frugal as possible besides that. We try to remind ourselves that stressing and worrying over money is not worth it. We work hard and do our best, and beyond that, worrying gets us nowhere. When we focus on what we are lucky enough to have already, the things we are thankful for, the people we love, and the possibilities in front of us...we tend to realize there is not much to fret over, at all. And so far, so good. We are doing pretty darn well! When we look at others who invest too much energy and focus on money... either loving it, hoarding it, or lamenting over a lack of it...we feel a bit sorry for them and see how distracted they are from the true blessings in life. It's all in your attitude and mindset!
Also, in these 9 months of preparation, I have really wanted to work on being the kind of person I want to teach my son to be. I still have a long way to go on that journey, but knowing that it is a journey is one step accomplished! I want to be and do a lot of things....
-Be more honest with myself and others, while also being more forgiving towards myself and others.
-Coming to peace with past mistakes and choices....seeing them as situations to learn from and being grateful that they were all part of getting me to the great place I'm in now.
-Knowing that when I want to accomplish a task, whether small or large, I need to focus on doing it little by little. Doing something each day to work towards a greater goal. My mistake in the past has been feeling I need to accomplish something all at once and in a short amount of time; leading me to give up easily, feel overwhelmed, overdo things, and subsequently feel guilt over abandoning goals.
-Incorporate more "spirituality" into my life. For me, this does not mean attending a church or reading religious texts. But I do want to feel a sense of "connected-ness" to nature, other people, and a "higher power." (I am still forming my thoughts on what this means and what I believe). I'd like to try meditating, walking outdoors, and enjoying what's around me without the over-stimulation of cell phones, tv, computers, etc. I also found meaning, positive changes, and comfort in some of the teachings of Jewish Kabbalah a couple years ago. I no longer think that I necessarily need to follow the Kabbalah... but I did like the teaching to be open to signs and messages around us. I want to keep my eyes, ears, mind, and heart open to wise words from others --whether that be the cashier at the gas station, a friend, or someone I don't even like. Or signs, symbols, and messages in nature, books, etc. I also found growth in the past from viewing conflict with others as a reason to turn inward and see what I can learn and change about myself.
-I'd like to be a better partner to T. We already have a better relationship than I could have ever imagined. But there are definitely ways I know I could improve. I'd like to be more open to accepting him exactly as he is and to let go of a desire to change him. We are very like-minded people, but there are a couple of big things we disagree on... and we tend to go in circles arguing about them... and I let them get to me. I'd like to reach a point where, while I do continue to communicate my thoughts or feelings, I approach him with more open-ness, tolerance, love... and faith that he would never do anything to hurt me or our family. I'd like to have more patience, "sweetness," and "gentle-ness" towards him. With all the hormonal changes I've been going through and some of the normal pre-baby anxiety I've had.... I've been less than patient and very critical and demanding. I realize I can't expect perfection (from T OR myself) and that I should appreciate all that he does do for me and our household.
-I'd also like to be the best mother I can. I know this another area where I cannot expect perfection of myself. But I care SO MUCH. I want to be patient, loving, positive, gentle, fun, and respectful. I want to raise Baby T to feel security, trust, unconditional love, and open-ness in the relationship he has with T & I. He is his own person and we are here to love him for who he is and guide him as he grows and explores the world and sets off down whatever path he chooses. We do want to teach him to be socially conscious...to treat ALL people as equals and recognize and fight against injustices. We want him to be free of prejudices and judgements. We want him to prioritize being HIMSELF and feeling confident in everything he is. I hope to instill a sense of curiosity and adventurousness about life and the world...learning and experiencing lots of things throughout his time on this planet. I hope to have the patience and ability to overcome ego when it comes to times of conflict, discipline, and frustration with raising a child. I hope to be able to always teach him WHY we are setting a rule about something; and not just expect him to blindly follow. I want to welcome his questions and inquisitive-ness. And, lastly, something I have learned from T-- to approach all things (parenting and otherwise) with a sense of humor! To be a little more light-hearted. We can always use more laughter and smiles!
Ok, so I'm already feeling a little more at peace! Writing is always therapeutic for me. I don't know when I'll be back to write again --because life is about to become much busier! :) But I know I'll return with lots of great things to write about!
8 hours ago