Thursday, August 26, 2010

In the air...

I'm in such a great mood today!

Love my new roommate! (Who moved in yesterday).


I'm finally free of the distress I've been feeling all. summer. long.

And it feels like fall outside, which makes me very happy! :)

Sunday, August 22, 2010

I'm Gonna Make Your Mama Do a Million Poses

I think it's safe to say it was a good weekend. Not extraordinarily great, but good.

I'm so thankful for my friends and family. Well, by "family" the only people I mean are my aunt and uncle. They have been there more than anyone for me in this situation (and any other difficult situation I've ever had). I truly do not know what I would do without them.

I'm also thankful for those who have recently come into my life---Kat (though I really don't know her at all yet,I am very happy to have her as my new roommate!), Marisa, Dinesh, and Masoud.


Had fun at shitty bars in Festus with Mandi last night, and while eating Thai with Josh tonight.

Also, Will, the Kenyan, has started texting me again. Don't know what he is thinking since last time we spoke he was a complete asshole to me and I blew up at him and told him not to contact me again. He has my damn dress and keeps saying he won't return it until I can come say hello. Thus it wasn't returned today while I was at work, or tonight after he gets off and I will be sleeping.

Josh's iPod was on shuffle when he picked me up earlier and this song came on and cracked me up!!




Saturday, August 21, 2010

Dead Girl

I've finally stopped pining. And I can only focus on how disappointed and pissed off I am. I know I am probably dwelling too much (See previous three posts...), but I don't give a fuck. This is what's on my mind.

I feel like this anger is igniting a part of me that I haven't felt in awhile. I feel sort of rebellious...I want to go do reckless things. Hmm probably not good. But better than feeling mopey and depressed.

I had a dream last night that it was winter and I was on a vacation with these people. And we found a dead girl in the vacation house (it was her family and friends that I was with). Everyone was trying to solve who did it, and the whole time I knew it was her close guy friend who was there pretending to care like everyone else. Symbolic? I think yes.

Tonight I'm having dinner with Dinesh, then getting drunk with Mandi and Steven. Greek breakfast at Ari's in the morning!
I talked to him. And found out it is even worse than I thought. .... I literally feel so much hurt and anger that I can't think straight. I want to inflict serious pain on him.


On a more positive note... I hung out with Christina to take my mind off things. We saw The Kids are Alright. And it was the best movie I've seen in a long time!

Every day is a step forward. So, tomorrow is something to look forward to. And I can sleep in.

Monday, August 16, 2010

I can't afford therapy... so my depressing outpourings are all going to end up right here.



I spent all day struggling to NOT contact him. I didn't because I was afraid of hearing cruelty on the other end...or apathy...or another girl's voice in the background. Or maybe the worst thing would actually be a loving apology. How can I be so addicted to such a terrible human being? How can i block out so many awful things?



I wonder when all of this sadness, anger, unhealthy love, and angst will be out of my system. I want so desperately to feel normal and happy.



What is wrong with me that someone would think I deserve to be physically hurt? Why would someone stop loving me? cheat on me? Lie to me? Is this karma i had coming to me?? I try to be a good person... I have made many mistakes.. but I hope I've never hurt anyone the way I've been hurt.



I feel fat and not pretty. I feel awkward and depressing and worn.



But fuck all that negativity....I'm also trying very hard to be the beautiful, happy, sexy, unique, intelligent, witty and fabulous person I used to be. I know it has to still be in there somewhere.

Tomorrow I'm going to take one step forward.

Sunday, August 15, 2010

i'm trying to save myself.

this is from someone else' blog... but it describes perfectly what I have just finished experiencing:

there is one kind of relationship i never thought i’d experience, simply because i thought i was smarter than that. it’s quite obvious when the other part never gives but only takes, when the other part doesn’t appreciate you, when the other part is doing nothing but using you.

not until yesterday did i realise that i’ve been stuck in a relationship like that. i’ve been spat in the face (not literally) so many times without realising it. i’ve never been the one to praise myself but in this relationship i’ve given everything and it breaks my heart now that i realise how pathetic it’s been.

it’s easy to get stuck in a rut and thinking that you love someone just because you always have. ’tis stupido.

.................................................................

I'm trying to surround myself with beautiful and calming things. I'm trying to take care of myself and move forward one day at a time. How did I end up so broken? I don't even recognize who I am anymore.