Sunday, December 19, 2010

Best weekend in a long time

Okay so I (figuratively) quit smoking. I'm feeling good about it!

I have some new red spectacles, some pheromone perfume,and had a fabulous weekend with my best girls! I am feeling happy about life!

Just have to get through this week, and it'll be my three-day Christmas weekend. I can't believe it's Christmas already. I am completely unprepared, but looking forward to it, nonetheless!

I also would like to mention that I have two new Indian men in my life...and I'm intrigued by both. For different reasons...we shall see what happens.

Good night everyone!

Sunday, December 12, 2010

:)




Rebel Sundays

Every Sunday I wake up and think, I'm going to clean my room today! Every Sunday, I decide "Fuck that" and it doesn't get done. I have a tendency to rebel against my own rules.

Maybe I'll actually do it today, but probably not. I'll keep you posted.

mmm my roommate is baking something delicious, judging by the smells wafting into my room. Now time to brew some coffee, head to the atm so I can pay my landlord in cash for my rent, and yes, I think I will clean!

Saturday, December 11, 2010

Hello!

I have returned to my abandoned blog. Just read my last few posts... and they are quite depressing. But depressed is exactly what I was for awhile there. I have been feeling much livelier in recent times. Still seeing you know who...but the sick attachment is gone and, if it ended tomorrow, I'd be ok. It's just a bad habit like smoking nowadays. You can still be a smoker and have a happy productive life right? Well, you have to quite at some point, and yes, I will do that.

The things that have been making up the pieces of my life as of late: Braving the cold (in a very warm , new parka and winter gear) to continue using public transit (and loving it), taking attendance at my job a little more seriously, slowly chizzling away at my financial problems, battling over the thermostat with my roommate, getting along with my parents, and forming some semblance of long term goals (i.e. attending UMSL by next fall, doing TESOL, moving abroad?).


Sunday, October 10, 2010

Who am I again??

Ok. Done with them all. I didn't quite tell J all the truths I thought I'd tell him... to keep him away. Didn't have the heart to. I told him we need to move on... because lying to everyone I know isn't worth it anymore. I told him it was real this time. I am going to give him some of the clothes I had at my place sometime this week, and then that's it.

I think being man-less might make me emotional for a bit.. but I need to be on my own.

Things are a mess with me. And I need to work on a lot. I think I've been using men to distract myself from all the real issues in my life.

Will posted this video on his facebook after I told him what happened last weekend.

.... I suppose he has a point.


I need to gather the pieces of what I used to be, pull myself back together, and get up and do something!

Saturday, October 9, 2010

Addicted

For some time , I've thought to myself... I want to live a life worthy of reading about in a book. .... a life with plenty of excitement and drama and unusual happenings.

Well, while my life has certainly not been short of those things...it has been short of success and happiness. While I've been jumping from crazy situation to crazy situation... i haven't moved forward.

The drama has accumulated to a pretty high level as of late. And its time to leave it all behind.
Can I really leave all these men behind? What I was doing was fun... but at times hurt me and made me feel bad about myself. I was being promiscuous and dishonest.
They all offered me some form of excitement...all had something unusual about them. J introduced me to the world of raves, clubs, dj's, electronic music, and the drugs that come along with that scene (not that I used them...really). He knew how to have a really really good time.. and I had them with him...but it got out of hand, and I got too caught up...and hurt. Will and Boni were African, exotic, dark, had sexy accents, and I never quite knew if I could trust them..which, even though that's sort of sick, added to the allure.
Dinesh was sweet, let me walk all over him, but he bought me delicious expensive meals, and we discussed lofty concepts, Indian culture, and archaeology.
Bill, you're in there, too. That's a whole other story... but I think we both know our drama is over now.

I'm done with all of these men but one... the hardest one to cut off. The worst one of them...but the one I'm the most emotionally attached to. I can't quite identify what I am scared of losing if I drop him. The sex? The love? the excitement? I have to do it though. I wrote a note to myself a few weeks ago because I read that writing things down makes them more concrete and real to us. It said, "Drop J by October 5th." Well that day has come and gone. Haven't done it yet. But I think about it every day. I can never be happy on my own or meet someone I could have a real, satisfying relationship with until he is gone.

Alas, I have made plans to see him tonight? Maybe it is the sex. Because that is the main event for the evening since he doesn't even get off work until 2am. Or maybe I'm just looking for comfort... since I am honestly and truly sad I won't get to see Will again. Sometimes when you lose someone, you realize how much you really did care about them. He was the only of them all that I thought I could have a real relationship with. But, now that won't happen. And so I'm falling back on good 'ol J.

Sometimes you just have to be ready to let someone go. But how long do I need to wait?

Saturday, September 25, 2010

Saturday Morning

Today:

I turned him down. This is a first. I feel strong.

Got up, did the above, and went for a walk with my roommate. We were trying to find this garage sale that was advertised around the neighborhood where everything is free. (Wouldn't really be called a sale... a Garage Give-Away?). However, we were too late and all that was left were some tin cans and plastic bags.
I walked with her to the Farmer's Market, also. I have no money though (as has been the case for weeks, sadly). So I didn't buy anything, but enjoyed the atmosphere.

Last night:

Simone picked me up from work in her white Jag (borrowed from her sugardaddy/ supposed boyfriend, Dennis). We had some delicious sushi at Cafe Mochi, and the world's best cocktails at Absolutli Goosed. We discussed men and sex... and opening our own herbal pharmacy someday (funded by Dennis, of course).



The rest of today shall be good, I feel it!

Po-Mo Irish Dance

What's That Weird Hand Dance Video? Meet Irish Dancers Cleary & Harding.

(from If Its Hip, Its Here)


This wacky and mesmerizing video has been rapidly climbing the viral charts since its debut on YouTube four months ago. A strange song accompanies a man and a woman at a table in front of an oddly decorated wall engaging in a choreographed 'hand dance.'



What is it? Who are these people? If these questions have plagued you like they did me, read on.



It turns out that this video, We Speak No Americano, is from Up & Over It, self-described as "Irish Dance for the Post-pop generation." A collaboration between Suzanne Cleary, Peter Harding and Jonny Reed, Up & Over It aims to stretch the concept of Irish Dance to its limits.






Cleary & Harding live in Cardiff 2010, Music: Frankmusik - 3 Little Words:


A multimedia production for Up & Over It Spring 2010:


Here's a reel of behind the scenes, outakes and 'bloopers' if you will. Compiled by Johnny reel they call it their "Best Bits" and it really endears you to Suzanne Cleary and Peter Harding:


Up & Over It

Sunday, September 19, 2010

Juggling

I am seeing multiple men. And another just asked me out.

I'm not sure if I've just reached a point after the bullshit that I don't give a fuck about being loyal to one person. Or if this is just a psychological response to the pain I've felt for the last few months.

It gives me confidence, but it also makes me feel guilty at times. And sometimes, when I'm with one, I just wish I was with another.

I think I am scared to fall for one person. And the one I've fallen for, well, I guess I already have ammunition to use if I get hurt again.

And only one of them is someone I could actually, possibly have a legitimate relationship with. But I'm still unsure.

Part of me wants to get rid of them all, and just be me. on my own. no men.
I don't know if I can, though. (It's sad that I've become like that.)

Toilets of the World

Just discovered this. Love it!

Wish I would've thought of that!

I Love the Eighties (and the Swinging Sixties!)

Has anyone ever asked you in which era you would best belong?

I have a friend that really rocks the 70s look. And since she surely knows which decade she belongs in, it made me ponder this for myself.

I love history, antiques, and vintage clothes ...so for me this is a great question to think about. I can think of style aspects of all the decades that I love. But I think my personal style is a definite tie between the 60s and 80s. Both eras featured bright colors and bold geometric patterns and styles (which are a staple for me). I love the leggings, long loose tops, and chunky jewelry of the 80s; and I adore the chicness of classic 60's London with simple short shifts and clean lines and a sort of "cutesy-ness" (think modern-day Zooey Deschanel) . The Beatnik look of the early 60s a la Audrey Hepburn in Funny Face is probably my ideal look, as well!










Recent Inspirations...

(love the blue geometric print and the brown leather bag)




Repeat After Me...

I think that, for me atleast, the key to self improvement is picking one thing to work on and sticking to it. And focusing on only that, until it is achieved.

There are many, many things I need to change right now in my life. I know I am a very intelligent, cultured, unique, kind person. (And knowing that retains my self-esteem.) I have learned a lot and experienced a lot (what I treasure most are the experiences I've had over the past 3-4 years). However, I have not accomplished a lot. Life is about learning and experiencing as much as you can, but also about putting that knowledge and experience to use and doing something with it! My life thus far has been about experiencing, but now it needs to be about doing.

The problem is, when I try to work on the many things that need changing, it becomes overwhelming and nothing is achieved.

Some ideas on my "one thing" to work on....

-Cut out the negatives in my life. (Possibly too broad and vague.. but this would apply to a lot right now).

-Don't avoid things or people.

-Make every decision with the future in mind.

-Decide what exactly I want in life and make every choice according to that goal. (This entails sitting down and detailing what it is that I truly want... which is a complex issue in itself...).

I need to do some thinking on which of these will be my new "mantra."

Saturday, September 18, 2010

I ♥ Street Art

"Momo's Painted Downtown Line" [from NY Times]

By COLIN MOYNIHAN







The thin orange line of paint traces a winding path though downtown Manhattan neighborhoods like SoHo, Greenwich Village and the Lower East Side. Uneven and wandering, the stripe runs up major avenues and across narrow streets, sometimes prominent, at other times so faint and worn that it is barely visible.

Although it has existed for four years, the paint line has escaped most people’s notice. And among those who have paused to register its presence, few have probably spent much time contemplating its origin. It is, after all, just a simple bit of paint: one more arcane marking in an urban landscape filled with street art and random splashings; a small-caliber mystery in a big city rich with secrets.

“The orange drip that flows through the East Village,” Sharon Jane Smith, 57, mused on Sunday as she gazed at the section of the line that meandered past her East Village shop, A Repeat Performance, on First Avenue near East 10th Street. “I have no idea where that orange drip came from.”

In August a young blogger named Nick Divers posted an essay online revealing that there is more to the paint than immediately meets the eye. He was not the first to figure out what the line signifies, but his posting was circulated through the blogosphere, bringing new recognition to what began as an intentionally quiet statement.

Over the last four years hundreds of thousands of New Yorkers who have walked by or on top of the orange lines have unwittingly passed what is possibly the biggest graffiti tag in the world. The tag, which is so vast that all parts of it cannot be viewed simultaneously, was created in 2006 by an artist known as Momo and consists of a paint line that he said runs about eight miles long and spells out his name.

It runs from the East River to the Hudson River and extends north to 14th Street and south to Grand Street. The line runs over curbstones and subway grates and zigzags around lampposts and manhole covers. Its route begins at the edge of a West Side pier and ends after crossing a footbridge over the Franklin D. Roosevelt Drive.

“I wanted to make a trail that people could follow,” Momo said recently by telephone. “And I realized that I could write something if I planned it out with the street grid.”

Momo, a 35-year-old artist from the Greenpoint section of Brooklyn, agreed to talk about the project only on the condition that his actual name not be revealed; it is unlawful in New York to place paint messages or symbols on the streets and sidewalks.

The project was inspired by a series of purple footprints that were painted on Manhattan sidewalks in 1986, stretching from the Upper East Side to Foley Square. Those mysterious markings led to a spot on Eldridge Street on the Lower East Side, where the city had bulldozed an elaborate community garden called the Garden of Eden that was created by a squatter named Adam Purple. Momo said he glimpsed the footprints as a child and was captivated.

“It was a really ephemeral, strange sight,” he said. “And it felt like those footprints created a path that was all mine.”

Years later he experimented for months with a way to make his own paint trail and eventually lashed a homemade funnel-shaped bucket to the back of a bicycle. He fitted the bucket with a hose that was controlled by a ball valve of the sort used in swimming pool plumbing systems. The line was created with 15 gallons of paint dispensed over the course of two covert sorties, Momo said, carried out between 3 and 6 in the morning.

“Everyone was oblivious except for one guy who chased me,” he said. “But I think he was trying to be helpful, believing I was heading to a job site and had a legitimate leak.”

In many neighborhoods the paint is still easy to see. Sometimes the line runs on concrete sidewalks, as it does along Stanton Street or Broadway. At other times it runs on macadam roadways, as it does on Seventh Avenue South, where the tires of countless cars have nearly erased it. In certain areas — along Prince Street, for instance — the line can no longer be seen at all, scrubbed away, maybe, or lost when sections of sidewalk were replaced.

After finishing the tag, Momo made a short, impressionistic film about its creation. He told friends about the project but decided not to publicize it widely. Although street-art and graffiti insiders noted the tag, few others did.

That began to change somewhat last month when Mr. Divers posted a description of Momo’s project on his blog, Best Roof Talk Ever. Mr. Divers said that he first became aware of the tag in 2007, when one of his friends, Aaron Cahan, figured out that the paint line spelled the name Momo, then got in touch with the artist, who confirmed that he had created the markings.

In a short essay, which was reposted about 1,500 times, Mr. Divers wrote that he was intrigued by the fact that Momo had created a tag so large that it was, in effect, hidden, because it could not be viewed in its entirety.

“It’s simultaneously the biggest and smallest artistic statement I have seen,” he wrote.

Despite the new attention generated by Mr. Divers, people who recognize the tag are still in the minority. A recent trip along the paint line’s path found that nobody among more than a dozen asked knew the story of Momo’s creation. But the trip did reveal, perhaps, that the paint line had found a place in the city’s collective subconscious, with people who said they had barely noticed it before quickly proposing a range of purposes.

Some thought that it marked the site of future excavations by utility workers. Others suggested that it was part of a code between drug sellers and users. On Avenue B, near Tompkins Square Park, three young men, including one carrying a knapsack and a sleeping bag speculated that the paint marking might reflect public policy toward the homeless.

One, Antoine Fisher, 23, said, “Maybe this line tells you where you can sleep on the sidewalk, since you aren’t allowed to sleep inside the park at night.”

Informed of the true purpose of the line, the three paused to look again at the ground.

“Oh, that’s pretty cool,” said Ryan Sowulski, 22. “You know how hard-core that is?”

Monday, September 13, 2010

The past few days...

-Short roadtrip to Indy for some bonding with the new roomie and quality time with my family there!

-Sex, sex,sex!

-Free meals

-Meeting Simone's wealthy, and large, new man

-Not cleaning or doing anything productive at all. ( :/ )

-Possibly getting a car (for $500!!??)

-Possibly getting an under-25 lbs. dog!

-Lovely new chocolate leather furniture.


Tonight...gelato with a friend.

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

Vay-cay

I'm off for the next seven days and that is fabulous!

What is not fabulous is that I have no money. (literally. none.) And no car.

So, I'm going to get out and do things on foot. Free things. Walk in Tower Grove. Walk to Compton Hill. Explore the neighborhood on the north side of the park.
And also productive things that I've been putting off. Like organizing my closet/wardrobe, downloading songs/podcasts to put on my iPod, dealing with credit card and loan companies (as noted here), and cleaning my room.

It is after 2pm and I still am in my pjs and I'm loving it. I've been looking at street style blogs for hours. They make me happy.
Here are my favorite looks:


(I've yet to find any flat ankle boots as per the current trend, that I like.... until now!)



Double Life

The past six months have taught me a lot about secrecy. I've always been an extremely open and honest person. I love honesty- I kind of get off on it in a weird way. And I respect the truth from others.

However, lately I feel like I'm leading a double life. There are things I am hiding from lots of people. All related to men. Living like that sort of brings out the extremes in me. I know it can't be healthy though- to have such a divide in myself. I need to make some choices in order to be whole again. And honest.

Thursday, September 2, 2010

complain, complain

There are a couple of issues in my life I really need to deal with. One of which is my debt and resulting financial problems. I have been ignoring phone calls and mail for months. It is really going to catch up with me soon if I don't face it. I've been in denial for a long time and even typing this paragraph is making me cringe. But I HAVE to face it.

I'm just scared to lose my apartment, and to go without a car forever. Winter is coming, and I'd really like a car. Don't get me wrong, there are many days I love using public transit. But I am a baby in the cold, and I miss not being able to go where I choose and not being able to travel at night. (Since I don't like to be on the bus by myself at night).



I think I just need to take baby steps to make improvements in my life. Little steps to fix things that need fixing. And little steps to add more joy to my life--decorate my cubicle, bake myself cookies, hang photos in my apartment, and read more books.

..............Now watching Mad Men, and going to bed!

Thursday, August 26, 2010

In the air...

I'm in such a great mood today!

Love my new roommate! (Who moved in yesterday).


I'm finally free of the distress I've been feeling all. summer. long.

And it feels like fall outside, which makes me very happy! :)

Sunday, August 22, 2010

I'm Gonna Make Your Mama Do a Million Poses

I think it's safe to say it was a good weekend. Not extraordinarily great, but good.

I'm so thankful for my friends and family. Well, by "family" the only people I mean are my aunt and uncle. They have been there more than anyone for me in this situation (and any other difficult situation I've ever had). I truly do not know what I would do without them.

I'm also thankful for those who have recently come into my life---Kat (though I really don't know her at all yet,I am very happy to have her as my new roommate!), Marisa, Dinesh, and Masoud.


Had fun at shitty bars in Festus with Mandi last night, and while eating Thai with Josh tonight.

Also, Will, the Kenyan, has started texting me again. Don't know what he is thinking since last time we spoke he was a complete asshole to me and I blew up at him and told him not to contact me again. He has my damn dress and keeps saying he won't return it until I can come say hello. Thus it wasn't returned today while I was at work, or tonight after he gets off and I will be sleeping.

Josh's iPod was on shuffle when he picked me up earlier and this song came on and cracked me up!!




Saturday, August 21, 2010

Dead Girl

I've finally stopped pining. And I can only focus on how disappointed and pissed off I am. I know I am probably dwelling too much (See previous three posts...), but I don't give a fuck. This is what's on my mind.

I feel like this anger is igniting a part of me that I haven't felt in awhile. I feel sort of rebellious...I want to go do reckless things. Hmm probably not good. But better than feeling mopey and depressed.

I had a dream last night that it was winter and I was on a vacation with these people. And we found a dead girl in the vacation house (it was her family and friends that I was with). Everyone was trying to solve who did it, and the whole time I knew it was her close guy friend who was there pretending to care like everyone else. Symbolic? I think yes.

Tonight I'm having dinner with Dinesh, then getting drunk with Mandi and Steven. Greek breakfast at Ari's in the morning!
I talked to him. And found out it is even worse than I thought. .... I literally feel so much hurt and anger that I can't think straight. I want to inflict serious pain on him.


On a more positive note... I hung out with Christina to take my mind off things. We saw The Kids are Alright. And it was the best movie I've seen in a long time!

Every day is a step forward. So, tomorrow is something to look forward to. And I can sleep in.

Monday, August 16, 2010

I can't afford therapy... so my depressing outpourings are all going to end up right here.



I spent all day struggling to NOT contact him. I didn't because I was afraid of hearing cruelty on the other end...or apathy...or another girl's voice in the background. Or maybe the worst thing would actually be a loving apology. How can I be so addicted to such a terrible human being? How can i block out so many awful things?



I wonder when all of this sadness, anger, unhealthy love, and angst will be out of my system. I want so desperately to feel normal and happy.



What is wrong with me that someone would think I deserve to be physically hurt? Why would someone stop loving me? cheat on me? Lie to me? Is this karma i had coming to me?? I try to be a good person... I have made many mistakes.. but I hope I've never hurt anyone the way I've been hurt.



I feel fat and not pretty. I feel awkward and depressing and worn.



But fuck all that negativity....I'm also trying very hard to be the beautiful, happy, sexy, unique, intelligent, witty and fabulous person I used to be. I know it has to still be in there somewhere.

Tomorrow I'm going to take one step forward.

Sunday, August 15, 2010

i'm trying to save myself.

this is from someone else' blog... but it describes perfectly what I have just finished experiencing:

there is one kind of relationship i never thought i’d experience, simply because i thought i was smarter than that. it’s quite obvious when the other part never gives but only takes, when the other part doesn’t appreciate you, when the other part is doing nothing but using you.

not until yesterday did i realise that i’ve been stuck in a relationship like that. i’ve been spat in the face (not literally) so many times without realising it. i’ve never been the one to praise myself but in this relationship i’ve given everything and it breaks my heart now that i realise how pathetic it’s been.

it’s easy to get stuck in a rut and thinking that you love someone just because you always have. ’tis stupido.

.................................................................

I'm trying to surround myself with beautiful and calming things. I'm trying to take care of myself and move forward one day at a time. How did I end up so broken? I don't even recognize who I am anymore.

Monday, July 12, 2010

Ch-ch-changes

I currently feel like I'm teetering on a very fine line...one side of it is success and happiness and confidence.. and the other is fear and failure and depression. It wouldn't take much to go to either side...

Maybe this is what everyone feels like? Or maybe not... most sane people probably seek stability, comfort, and security. I can't seem to be happy if things get routine.


Still love my apartment. Sort of like my job... but still love the places it could take me (Ireland!!). Still love Jesse... (and still don't know why.)

Currently not so fond of my roommate. For deciding to just now tell me she is moving out and BUYING A HOUSE. And having the nerve to say she decided to do so last week...when she clearly knew all along.
BUT. This is probably a good thing...since we ended up not getting along so well. Not to say she was unfriendly...but we didn't quite click. And I'd like to live with someone who I do click with.
Just have to find this person within the next month and a half.

Most of what has been consuming my life though, in the last two weeks is getting rid of my car and taking public transportation! This has been very life changing. And I am not being overdramatic in saying that. It makes me think about a lot...about me..about other people..politics..racism...St. Louis. It's nice to have this new focus.

Time for bed..but more to come.

Friday, April 16, 2010

Ahhh Life is Good!

I'd be lying if I said I didn't enjoy a cigarette with my coffee in the morning. And not feeling guilty about what I choose to do and who with!

Lately things are pretty good. Had a male-related disastrous episode there last weekend, but things have calmed down and I have regained my sanity for the moment.

I absolutely am in love with where I live. I love the park across the street, I love the red brick houses, I love the people, I love the lesbians that hang out here, I love the uneven sidewalks, and the ambulances at night...I love the creaky wooden floors of my apartment, I love my new roommate, I love my sunny bathroom, and I love that I did exactly what I wanted to do!

Things are on the up and up...and I'm simply content.


I'm playing hookey today and I already had a morning visitor, french toast at Mokabe's, and I plan on taking a jog in the park, going to the recycling center, maybe getting a tan and getting my haircut, and mayyybbeee organizing all my stuff.

Hopefully going out tonight too!!

Saturday, March 20, 2010

I'm Leaving

I'm movin' out...tomorrow!

Mostly feeling happy and excited with a few other less positive emotions thrown in there too.

I had a dream last night that i was on a dock surrounded by whales and dolphins that wanted to eat me.

Sunday, February 28, 2010

"We Smoke, Fuck Off"


I want this perfume so bad right now!!!

It's only noon and i've been up for four hours.

I've been surfing the net for most of that time.

Had a fabulous evening last night consisting of drunken friends, delicious indian food, and hookah!


Dreaming of having great looks like these....











Saturday, February 20, 2010

Fist pumping tonight!

Sunday, February 14, 2010

Eau My!

If you know me, you know I have a perfume obsession.

I read about perfumes for fun on Basenotes; I spend atleast 30 minutes in Sephora sniffing and asking for samples anytime I'm at the mall; and I've been to known to impulse buy more bottles of perfume than I will ever need via ebay or amazon.

In the last two months, I have bought a full bottle of Lacoste Pour Femme, LUSH's Honey I Washed the Kids solid perfume, ten sample vials of Delices de Cartier, and samples of Kiehl's Original Musk, Fresh Cannabis Santal, Fresh Fig Apricot, Payard Pistachio Ganache, L'Artisan Parfumeur Safran Troublant, L'Artisan Parfumeur Jour de Fete; and a large decant of Schiapparelli Pinkenz Litchi Almond Arrogance mix.

(My favorites are the Lacoste, LUSH, and Fig Apricot)

I think I need to take a break for awhile from my perfume spending spree.... but when I can I want to sample several different fragrances from Demeter Fragrance Library:


Demeter Condensed Milk
Demeter Holy Water
Demeter Paperback
Demeter Play-Doh
Demeter Salt Air
Demeter Thunderstorm


BE MINE


(from If it's hip, it's here.)