I can't afford therapy... so my depressing outpourings are all going to end up right here.



I spent all day struggling to NOT contact him. I didn't because I was afraid of hearing cruelty on the other end...or apathy...or another girl's voice in the background. Or maybe the worst thing would actually be a loving apology. How can I be so addicted to such a terrible human being? How can i block out so many awful things?



I wonder when all of this sadness, anger, unhealthy love, and angst will be out of my system. I want so desperately to feel normal and happy.



What is wrong with me that someone would think I deserve to be physically hurt? Why would someone stop loving me? cheat on me? Lie to me? Is this karma i had coming to me?? I try to be a good person... I have made many mistakes.. but I hope I've never hurt anyone the way I've been hurt.



I feel fat and not pretty. I feel awkward and depressing and worn.



But fuck all that negativity....I'm also trying very hard to be the beautiful, happy, sexy, unique, intelligent, witty and fabulous person I used to be. I know it has to still be in there somewhere.

Tomorrow I'm going to take one step forward.