Saturday, February 28, 2009

i want to look good

So here's the cold hard truth: I'm a fatty.

These last two crazy years have taken a toll on my eating habits and thus my weight.

This weekend I had a Creative Strategies project which involved me asking people in certain categories to take photos of me. This meant I had to see a large amount of pictures of myself not posed in positions intended to be cute and flattering.
Also this weekend- I went jeans shopping for the first time in forever. Sadly - it was a miserable experience and I have apparently reached an all time high in my jeans size. I did find two pairs that are cute and fit well... but still the whole process of finding good jeans was utterly depressing.

Other facts:
- It is likely Ciaran became a douche to me because he was no longer attracted to a fat girlfriend.
-I was asked on Halloween if I was Monica Lewinski because I am that large.


Now I don't hate myself and think I'm completely disgusting. I am happy with my face -- it might be a little vain, but I do believe that I am pretty.

So... I'll be in Vienna in a little over 2 months. If I lose 2-3 pounds a week I can lose 20 pounds or more by the time I leave.

Until then - I really don't think I can date, flirt, anything. My confidence is kind of shot. I've had two good looking guys with awesome personalities that I met on an online dating site show a lot of interest in me based on a profile and some pictures of me. Everything goes great until they ask me to meet up, then I freak out and come to the reality that they might not find me attractive unless they are into slightly chubby girls. I'd rather skip the whole thing then deal with the possibility that I could be rejected because of my weight. This same dilemma applies to an upcoming male visitor I may be having.

I'm ready to date again(read: over Ciaran). But without confidence and without my old body I feel like its just not gonna happen.

I'm trying to be realistic and be honest with myself. But this whole thing just pisses me off. I hate that I automatically become unlovable and unattractive just because I gain 15 pounds. A part of me thinks if I lose weight I run the risk of landing another guy just like all the rest who is only with me b/c he likes the skinny me... and what happens if/when I gain weight again??

So I just want to lose the weight.. be happy... and try not to think of that risk.

If I can just work out everyday, watch what I eat a little bit better... I think I can do it.

Ciaran and I went out to eat so much --- so many gross chicken finger/fries meals from the zoo when I'd visit him there. Greasy sugary breakfasts at Denny's/IHOP/Uncle Bill's literally every weekend morning.
Eating pints of ice cream and chocolate cake with Claire in August and October venting over all the stupid drama that occurred after Ciaran left and we broke up.

I want to work off all that. Emotionally and physically - be done with it for good.

Blah. Blah. Blah. Ok so hopefully this is the moment where I stop whining and bitching and just actually do it!!

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Ich bin ein Wien-er

I'm going on a diet starting tomorrow + working out more since apparently nothing is wrong with my knee!! (but I have to get physical therapy...)

I hate and adore men all at once... how can this be... I've been feeling a little boy crazy lately, but also feeling very man-hating... its strange. I guess you can't live with 'em......etc. etc.
I have about 5 crushes right now. Probably none of them will turn into anything. Or they already were something and shouldn't be anything again.
I should probably focus on school and save myself for some beautiful Austrian men (less than three months away!!!!)

I read all of New Moon (second book in the Twilight series, borrowed from Shannon) in less than 48 hours. Still the most addicting series ever. I unnecessarily stayed up til 3am last night to finish it, I was so into it. Though in this one, the werewolf-boy is just as hot (if not hotter) than the vamp. Also, the whole first half of the book was extremely depressing and made me feel as if I'd just gone through a break up all over again.

Other thoughts as of late...
-I love my new laptop!
-I'm super stressed about gathering funds for Vienna, but I'm going no matter what, goddamnit!
-I just don't like Claire's little sister, and she's really not that bad, but I can't help it.
-Apparently I've made a lot of progress in counselling appt.s these past few weeks... and this makes me really happy. Things are def. improving...
-I NEED SOME CHOCOLATE.
-I NEED SOME ASS.
-I need to be writing a paper... but I'm stalling...


Wellll, OFF I GO!

Thursday, February 19, 2009

Sugar and Spice and Everything Nice

Work by some of my favorites...
(These all remind me of me, as a little girl, and now)


Little Girl in a Blue Chair, Mary Cassatt
Portrait of Helene Klimt, Gustav Klimt

Identical Twins, Diane Arbus


Woman with Two Little Girls, Edgar Degas

Die Sonne Scheint!

This week has been a million times better than last week.

I have lots to look forward to in the coming weeks and months and that makes me happy.
It just seems like everything's coming together - financially, and in other ways, too.

Have more to write about-- but must finish architecture paper!!

Tschuss!

Saturday, February 14, 2009

Smoking Kills

I'm craving a cigarette. Sometimes that happens to me.

If I didn't know better, I could easily become a smoker I think.

But I won't.

Fuck You Valentine's Day

I'm going to Vienna this summer (!!!), maybe staying through December for the fall semester, we'll see....

I have to get an MRI on my knee on Tuesday...eek.

Currently having a very bad night. Just feeling fat and depressed and lonely.. Happy V-day To Me!

Tomorrow: Must finish study abroad application, MUST take out student loan and convince parents to cosign, must watch Peter Eisenmann DVD, must do sketch for design project!!

MUST FINISH IT ALL!


(I'll try not to be so negative tomorrow.)

Friday, February 13, 2009

Ew.

This is seriously disturbing.

Whew.

Two out of the three things that were bothering me are out of the way and turned out more than ok.

My grandma ended up having a quadruple bypass this morning, but came out ok, and is now in recovery.

I also do not have to drop German.

And I found out I may very likely be going to Vienna this summer!!!!

More later...

Thursday, February 12, 2009

:(

SO EXTREMELY STRESSED OUT ABOUT TOMORROW.

Three huge things I'm worried about...

Regaining Sanity

I hate this week.

M-W was pretty much a "Hyde" few days (or is it Jekyll? I'm thoroughly confused at this point). Today I think I'm finally back to my Jekyll, sane self. (ha- sounds so funny.) Lots of fixing of things to do. as always. story of my life. I have an appt. with Emily today and I'm going to talk to her about it.

This has nothing to do with the above paragraph (or maybe it does?). But I recently noticed an interesting pattern while talking about boys with friends. All the guys who have been actual boyfriends of mine have had blonde or light sandy brown hair and blue eyes. All the guys who I've cheated on people with (sad that I have that category, isn't it?), had random hookups with, etc. have had brown eyes, and black hair. Very very interesting. Hmmm.

Anyway, I better go be productive...

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

Heavy News

I found out today that my grandma, who went in the hospital for minor chest pains, will need a triple bypass surgery soon.
Not even mentioning the obvious reason why this is upsetting, it has a lot of implications for our family -- like the fact that my grandpa might have to live with us (and this would be a very very unhealthy thing for all parties involved), and that my Dad's siblings are not around (i.e. in Texas and Indiana) when these things happen and all the responsibility falls on our family.

I have a lot of mixed emotions too -- like the conflict I had with my grandparents two Christmases ago, and how things feel only semi-resolved. How I've always told myself to spend more time with my grandma ever since Grandma Gallaher died... yet I never really have taken the time to do so.

I think these past few months have just shown me how important it really is to take the time to appreciate those around you that you might take for granted, especially family. Before you know it, they could be gone.


On a lighter note... this made me happy today:

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

New Hair

I have a new 'do and it is tres chic!!!!
I'm pretty excited about it. I got a cross between Audrey Hepburn (Funny Face era) and Kenley Collins (of Project Runway) bangs. And relayered the rest while keeping my length. I LOVE IT! You know you are going to get a good haircut when your stylist has the same name as you and is in a rock band! Plus, Claire said they are the best bangs I've ever had -- and I thoroughly trust Claire's opinion on matters of style and beauty.
I may or may not post pictures, b/c that would ruin my anonymity.
Here are the pictures that I brought to the stylist though, as inspiration:











Monday, February 9, 2009

I Don't Hold My Breath Anymore, I'll Just Turn Blue

Quote of the night from one of the therapists at work:

Me: Have a good night!
Denise: I'll try to, but I don't hold my breath anymore--I'll just turn blue.


Today was a bad day. My conclusions on the day are that I am an idiot. Truly an idiot. I feel like I am like Jekyll & Hyde sometimes. My Jekyll side is lazy, crazy, and rebellious, and does really irresponsible things. Then Hyde just has to always go back and fix everything that Jekyll messes up. Its a very exhausting, frustrating, and depressing process.
And um, I'm not actually that crazy, but in a way thats how I operate.

Mandi told me about some friends of hers that are a married couple. Their dream is life is to travel and thats what they do. Every few years they pick up and move to somewhere else in the world, they just find simple jobs and get an apartment and enjoy the city. They've lived in Toronto, Melbourne, and other cities.
I think that is what I want to do. Now I've just got to find somebody to do it with me!

Sunday, February 8, 2009

"You Have Four Eyes!"

This is seriously the funniest thing ever!!!!!


Thursday, February 5, 2009

Street Art

I love this article.

I first heard about street art in Current Art last semester. It is actually incredibly interesting. The idea of an artist that wants anonymity in the sense of who he actually is, yet wants credit through the name he uses to tag his artwork. The artist doesn't profit at all from his work, he just loves what he is doing, or strongly wants to get a message across.

The work they do is not seen by rich collectors, elitist critics, and those in academia; hanging on walls in a museum, or in an exclusive gallery-- it is on display for all kinds of people, in places where we all see it--driving to work, walking down a street, on public transportation.

I love the danger/risk element involved -- this art must be made at a time when no one is around to see its creation. If caught, the artist is literally breaking laws. It makes your average artist seem so much less edgy.

The street artist does not walk around in skinny jeans, vintage sweaters, wacky colors, emo hair, and wayfarers which scream "LOOK AT ME--I AM SO EDGY AND COOL AND ARTSY." (hey, I wear these things myself, I'm just sayin...) He is truly about his work and his message, and not about the hip image he gets to have as an artist.

A lot of people might think street art is mostly low art, gang related, etc. , and some of it very well may be, but there is a lot of really cool street art that is being made right now.


Banksy, based in London, is probably the most famous street artist -- check out his work, I absolutely love it.






















Wednesday, February 4, 2009

Walking on A Dream

I had a dream last night that I was in the room where my Aunt Kathy stayed at the hospice home. My uncle mike and my mom were there, and maybe other family, not sure. We were all there like cleaning or just visiting or something. The room looked exactly as it did, just obviously without Aunt Kathy and all her stuff. Everyone walked out of the room, and I was sitting in the chair by the bed. I was by myself and stood up and suddenly just thought "she is here, she has to be here." And just like felt her presence swirling around the room.

I've been thinking about her a lot. How strange it is that she is gone. And how strange it is that I have been given some random jewelry and knick knacks of hers. It's weird to own the belongings of a dead person.

We talked about memorials and monuments in my art class today. It was fitting, I think.


Been loving this song a lot lately...

Monday, February 2, 2009

My Weekend

I had a fairly fun weekend.

Friday night I went to a gallery opening/City Diner/Hookah with some friends from school.
Saw Locusts & Honey at Craft Alliance in Grand Center.

Saturday after work I met up with Mandi & Steven for some salsa dancing at Club Viva and sushi at The Drunken Fish. It was alright.. I love salsa, but moreso when I have someone to dance with, and even though the website said "no partner required," one clearly was required.
We met Mandi's friends at the Fish, but I was feeling sort of awkward hanging out with them sober... I def. love Mandi, but not sure what I think of her group.

Sunday I had to work again, and I was so exhausted when I got home that I was asleep by 8:30pm.

Have to work AGAIN tonight, plus lots of stats homework to do and a test in the same class tomorrow. EEK.

To-Do

List of things I've been meaning to blog about... (so I don't forget):

Haircuts I want

Drugs

New friends/old Friends

Boys & "Types"

ArtBlog's new poll

Being in Art School

New Music

Sunday, February 1, 2009

Salsa & Sushi

Things I learned tonight:

-Salsa dancing is not fun when you don't have a partner and everyone else does. (Sort of like life.)

-Octopus Sashimi is the most delicious thing ever.

-You can never tell who is on drugs around you(or I can't atleast), it's probably the person you'd least expect.

-I'm still decent at salsa dancing (and other varieties of latin dancing).

-Peep toe shoes + icy snowy slush don't mix well.

-I still really need to lose weight.

-Hanging out with the girlfriends of the guys you have a crush on helps you not have a crush on them anymore!

- When it comes down to it, I much prefer art galleries and hookah to clubbing and drinking. (I guess thats not news though.)