Saturday, February 28, 2009

i want to look good

So here's the cold hard truth: I'm a fatty.

These last two crazy years have taken a toll on my eating habits and thus my weight.

This weekend I had a Creative Strategies project which involved me asking people in certain categories to take photos of me. This meant I had to see a large amount of pictures of myself not posed in positions intended to be cute and flattering.
Also this weekend- I went jeans shopping for the first time in forever. Sadly - it was a miserable experience and I have apparently reached an all time high in my jeans size. I did find two pairs that are cute and fit well... but still the whole process of finding good jeans was utterly depressing.

Other facts:
- It is likely Ciaran became a douche to me because he was no longer attracted to a fat girlfriend.
-I was asked on Halloween if I was Monica Lewinski because I am that large.

Now I don't hate myself and think I'm completely disgusting. I am happy with my face -- it might be a little vain, but I do believe that I am pretty.

So... I'll be in Vienna in a little over 2 months. If I lose 2-3 pounds a week I can lose 20 pounds or more by the time I leave.

Until then - I really don't think I can date, flirt, anything. My confidence is kind of shot. I've had two good looking guys with awesome personalities that I met on an online dating site show a lot of interest in me based on a profile and some pictures of me. Everything goes great until they ask me to meet up, then I freak out and come to the reality that they might not find me attractive unless they are into slightly chubby girls. I'd rather skip the whole thing then deal with the possibility that I could be rejected because of my weight. This same dilemma applies to an upcoming male visitor I may be having.

I'm ready to date again(read: over Ciaran). But without confidence and without my old body I feel like its just not gonna happen.

I'm trying to be realistic and be honest with myself. But this whole thing just pisses me off. I hate that I automatically become unlovable and unattractive just because I gain 15 pounds. A part of me thinks if I lose weight I run the risk of landing another guy just like all the rest who is only with me b/c he likes the skinny me... and what happens if/when I gain weight again??

So I just want to lose the weight.. be happy... and try not to think of that risk.

If I can just work out everyday, watch what I eat a little bit better... I think I can do it.

Ciaran and I went out to eat so much --- so many gross chicken finger/fries meals from the zoo when I'd visit him there. Greasy sugary breakfasts at Denny's/IHOP/Uncle Bill's literally every weekend morning.
Eating pints of ice cream and chocolate cake with Claire in August and October venting over all the stupid drama that occurred after Ciaran left and we broke up.

I want to work off all that. Emotionally and physically - be done with it for good.

Blah. Blah. Blah. Ok so hopefully this is the moment where I stop whining and bitching and just actually do it!!

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