Who am I again??

Ok. Done with them all. I didn't quite tell J all the truths I thought I'd tell him... to keep him away. Didn't have the heart to. I told him we need to move on... because lying to everyone I know isn't worth it anymore. I told him it was real this time. I am going to give him some of the clothes I had at my place sometime this week, and then that's it.

I think being man-less might make me emotional for a bit.. but I need to be on my own.

Things are a mess with me. And I need to work on a lot. I think I've been using men to distract myself from all the real issues in my life.

Will posted this video on his facebook after I told him what happened last weekend.

.... I suppose he has a point.


I need to gather the pieces of what I used to be, pull myself back together, and get up and do something!

Addicted

For some time , I've thought to myself... I want to live a life worthy of reading about in a book. .... a life with plenty of excitement and drama and unusual happenings.

Well, while my life has certainly not been short of those things...it has been short of success and happiness. While I've been jumping from crazy situation to crazy situation... i haven't moved forward.

The drama has accumulated to a pretty high level as of late. And its time to leave it all behind.
Can I really leave all these men behind? What I was doing was fun... but at times hurt me and made me feel bad about myself. I was being promiscuous and dishonest.
They all offered me some form of excitement...all had something unusual about them. J introduced me to the world of raves, clubs, dj's, electronic music, and the drugs that come along with that scene (not that I used them...really). He knew how to have a really really good time.. and I had them with him...but it got out of hand, and I got too caught up...and hurt. Will and Boni were African, exotic, dark, had sexy accents, and I never quite knew if I could trust them..which, even though that's sort of sick, added to the allure.
Dinesh was sweet, let me walk all over him, but he bought me delicious expensive meals, and we discussed lofty concepts, Indian culture, and archaeology.
Bill, you're in there, too. That's a whole other story... but I think we both know our drama is over now.

I'm done with all of these men but one... the hardest one to cut off. The worst one of them...but the one I'm the most emotionally attached to. I can't quite identify what I am scared of losing if I drop him. The sex? The love? the excitement? I have to do it though. I wrote a note to myself a few weeks ago because I read that writing things down makes them more concrete and real to us. It said, "Drop J by October 5th." Well that day has come and gone. Haven't done it yet. But I think about it every day. I can never be happy on my own or meet someone I could have a real, satisfying relationship with until he is gone.

Alas, I have made plans to see him tonight? Maybe it is the sex. Because that is the main event for the evening since he doesn't even get off work until 2am. Or maybe I'm just looking for comfort... since I am honestly and truly sad I won't get to see Will again. Sometimes when you lose someone, you realize how much you really did care about them. He was the only of them all that I thought I could have a real relationship with. But, now that won't happen. And so I'm falling back on good 'ol J.

Sometimes you just have to be ready to let someone go. But how long do I need to wait?