Let's Pretend that There's a Moon....

Feast Your Eyes

L'Shanah Tova!

As some of my friends know, I have a fascination with Judaism despite being raised Catholic. I also like to think, with my Polish heritage, dark features, and from once being told that I tripped someone's "Jew-dar," that I am racially Jewish and don't even know it.

So whether my Judaism is hidden in my blood or simply something I like to fantasize about... I am celebrating Rosh Hashanah (September 28-30)this year in my own little way.

From HowStuffWorks.com:

"Rosh Hashanah is one of two High Holidays in the Jewish religion, the other being Yom Kippur, which occurs 10 days after Rosh Hashanah begins. These two holidays form the High Holiday period, arguably the most significant time in the Jewish year, as it marks the chance for repentance and forgiveness in the eyes of God. During the High Holidays, Jews cleanse their soul and get the chance to start fresh with an unburdened conscience and the intention of doing better in the coming year........It is a key moment, a time to reflect on past mistakes and resolve in front of God to not repeat them in the coming year. It is also a celebration of man's free will -- making the conscious decision to look inside oneself, to look truly at one's life and make amends."

My dear friend and novice Kabbalist, Mandi, texted me this evening with these words of advice regarding the day: "It's Rosh Hashanah! You must celebrate! You're supposed to pray to whomever your higher power is, for all the things you want this next year. And don't... I mean DON'T... say NO to anyone! Charlie and I just gave two homeless dudes a glass of beer, cigs, and pizza."

(This is why I love her.)

In my own foray into Kabbalism, I've been following Yehuda Berg's Daily Tune-up blog for a regular dose of wisdom and motivation. He says this on Rosh Hashanah:

"What’s the #1 thing we can do to connect with the blessings available on Rosh Hashana?

For me, one of the biggest things during Rosh Hashana is to never focus on ourselves. We all have our dreams, our wishes, our desires for the upcoming year. During the for 48 hours of Rosh Hashana, focusing on somebody else’s needs is key to making not only all of our own come true, but those of the entire world. .....Many times we’re given specific difficulties in our lives so that we can help someone else going through the same. If you have financial problems, instead of praying for yourself, pray for someone you know needs money more than you. If you have health issues, instead of focusing on your own, really connect to sending healing energy to someone else who needs it.......it’s important to ignite both consciousness and actions of selflessness for these 48 hours. The smallest acts add up quickly. Open the door for someone, make sure everyone else is served before you, if you see someone looking lonely make sure you say hello and talk with them.

Everything we give comes right back to us."


So with the words of a best friend and a Kabbala guru in mind, I've been preparing for my own little celebration.

Tomorrow I shall eat apples and honey (the traditional fodder of the holiday), pray near a body of water (another Rosh Hashanah practice), and do something kind for someone else.

And tonight, I'm reflecting on who and what I'm grateful for... I don't have much to give to others in terms of money or material things... but I have love, well wishes, and positive vibes to send to those I care about.

...and I'm praying, well in my own way. Sometimes this blog is the closest thing I have to a heartfelt prayer. And the things I put to paper, or those that come from a meaningful hand to a keyboard...are the most poignant to me in the long run.

Life hasn't been easy lately, but I have to look around and admit I am blessed - amazing friends, family who are there for me at my best and worst, my health, a comfortable bed to sleep in, a roof over my head, food to eat, my sanity ( well mostly), and a sense of hope in my spirit.

I'm grateful for these people and things. I'm grateful for a few possibilities that have opened up to me recently. And I'm grateful for the lessons I've learned in the past year.

What I pray for in the coming year is for my own health and happiness and that of my loved ones, to continue to learn valuable lessons and put them to practice, to find courage in myself, and to take the right leap forward in life (wherever that may lead me!).

L'Shanah Tova!

Tiny Boat or Towering Vessel

‘Deep down, all the while, she was waiting for something to happen. Like a sailor in distress, she kept casting desperate glances over the solitary waste of her life, seeking some white sail in the distant mists of the horizon. She had no idea by what wind it would reach her, toward what shore it would bear her, or what kind of craft it would be—- tiny boat or towering vessel, laden with heartbreaks or filled to the gunwales with rapture. But every morning when she awoke she hoped that today would be the day; she listened for every sound, gave sudden starts, was surprised when nothing happened; and then, sadder with each succeeding sunset, she longed for tomorrow.’
– Gustave Flaubert, Madame Bovary

A Simpler Time

Strange but True

It's hard not to feel that everyone sees my situation and pities me, looks down on me, judges me, or thinks "we told you so."

Maybe they are. But why does it even have to be a "situation?" This is the life I have, was meant to have, and why should I fret about the past.

My mother asked me...Aren't I envious of all my friends who are moving up in the world and leaving me behind? Shouldn't that make me feel bad about myself?

Is that question supposed to help anything?

I think my ego is bruised, my pride is hurt... but deep down I am really happy. I am unattached ... to a man, career, or place. I have to get some things in order, but then I can really do ANYTHING.

My debt is overwhelming.. but atleast I'm not alone in dealing with it anymore. I'm not going crazy trying to find a guy to support me and help me pay it.

The only good thing to come of my man-hunt... was the suggestion of joining the military.. from J#2. Crazy, I know. Goes against my old beliefs, yes. But where did those principles get me? This is a SOLUTION to many problems. Also seems scary as hell, but that kind of excites me in a strange way. I'm considering the Navy. I've been through a lot... and I've already had a gun pointed at me before. In the last weeks, I've been close to a deathwish... atleast if I could go out, it would be doing something good for others.

Yes, I'm serious about this. I've been waiting for a long time for a path that feels right and holds a bright future. This idea stood out to me right away and I haven't been able to stop thinking about it. I suppose the next steps are still paying down my debt, and then speaking with a recruiter.

It feels good to finally have some hope and optimism.

Beauty is All Around You

An Ache I Still Remember

Now and then I think of when we were together
Like when you said you felt so happy you could die
Told myself that you were right for me
But felt so lonely in your company
But that was love and it's an ache I still remember

Sunday

When you need a little inspiration...