Strange but True

It's hard not to feel that everyone sees my situation and pities me, looks down on me, judges me, or thinks "we told you so."

Maybe they are. But why does it even have to be a "situation?" This is the life I have, was meant to have, and why should I fret about the past.

My mother asked me...Aren't I envious of all my friends who are moving up in the world and leaving me behind? Shouldn't that make me feel bad about myself?

Is that question supposed to help anything?

I think my ego is bruised, my pride is hurt... but deep down I am really happy. I am unattached ... to a man, career, or place. I have to get some things in order, but then I can really do ANYTHING.

My debt is overwhelming.. but atleast I'm not alone in dealing with it anymore. I'm not going crazy trying to find a guy to support me and help me pay it.

The only good thing to come of my man-hunt... was the suggestion of joining the military.. from J#2. Crazy, I know. Goes against my old beliefs, yes. But where did those principles get me? This is a SOLUTION to many problems. Also seems scary as hell, but that kind of excites me in a strange way. I'm considering the Navy. I've been through a lot... and I've already had a gun pointed at me before. In the last weeks, I've been close to a deathwish... atleast if I could go out, it would be doing something good for others.

Yes, I'm serious about this. I've been waiting for a long time for a path that feels right and holds a bright future. This idea stood out to me right away and I haven't been able to stop thinking about it. I suppose the next steps are still paying down my debt, and then speaking with a recruiter.

It feels good to finally have some hope and optimism.