Broken Record

Round 27 (??) of trying to find a man.

I write this now as I try not to think of my latest break-up after a 1-2 month relationship.  On the bright side, I've broken up with all of them, and not the reverse. (All except one).  I have just become very picky and unable to put up with anything less than awesome treatment.  I guess that isn't a bad thing. 

I have been thinking of how sad it is that Iraq veterans become so fucked up.  I have now dated two who seem like happy, healthy, successful men... until I dig a little deeper under the surface and see how ridden with anxiety and fear they are.  They put up so  many barriers which makes it nearly impossible for them to have a normal relationship; despite the fact that they are desperate to find just that, settle down, and have a family. 

Sigh, I'm not going to dwell on that. I'm just going to learn from it and consciously decide never to date a veteran again. 

Additionally, I've decided to go on a hiatus from men, dating, and sex.  I tried this before, unsuccessfully.  But I'm a much stronger person, now.  I need to "clear my energy," if you will.  Focusing so much on men and dating has absolutely drained my energy and happiness.  My head has been spinning with it.  So, I'm done for awhile. 

Things to look forward to in the near future:

-My travels, as usual. And making the most of them.
-Making homemade vanilla extract for Christmas presents this year.
-More friend & family time!!
-Undertaking some sort of project--art, re-organizing, or otherwise. (Need to do more thinking on this).
-Starting an online shop selling vintage clothes & accessories.  (Really excited to do this, but I'm trying to think of what I can do to set it apart from the zillions of other vintage shops out there.)
-Working out more; I've gotten away from this.
-Writing more about my travels.  So many interesting things happen!

Ok, blogging therapy, over. And I feel better!!! :)

Getting It & Keeping It

I feel I keep coming across damaged people.  I can't keep taking on someone with a problem and hoping to "heal" them.  I do have a big heart and do want to help, but it consistently ends in me being hurt and unhappy.  And still alone in the end. 

I wonder if anyone sees me as a damaged person. 

It is very sad to me, how many people I have met whose whole lives, personality, outlook, reactions, etc have changed due to being involved in a war.  It is dark stuff to dig into.  And I'm not sure it can be fixed. 

On a lighter note, I'm looking forward to long layovers coming up in Toronto, Jacksonville, Austin, Bozeman, Madison, and Chicago.
I'm going to try and plan atleast one interesting thing to do in each city.

I'm trying to think of something else positive to write about, but I can't! I guess that's the PMS talking...    

Maybe next time!! 

Things I'm Aching For...

To live in New York.

To fall head over heels for someone.

To meet a great new friend.

To hear an Irish accent.

The smell of Fall.

That something happening in my family right now was just a bad dream...

To discover an excellent song worthy of leaving on Repeat.

To create a piece of art.

Adventure!!

Dissatisfaction

Ok, so I apparently only post new entries when I'm not doing/feeling so great.

So here I am.  Everything SHOULD be great, as I have the best job on earth and I get to travel all over the country, see new places, meet new people, and make new friends constantly.  Sigh, why can't I just be happy with this?? 

I've been feeling blue the last few weeks.  I can think of a few obvious reasons.  One being another failed relationship.  The hardest thing about a break-up is that when you fall for someone you feel like a new future opens up ahead of you.  You see the life you could have with them.  Then, when it's over that path is ripped away from you.  And it's just you again. You have to pave your way alone, and that really makes me sad.  

I had a long talk with someone recently about what it takes to find a great person and have a great relationship.  And I think I have a lot to work on before I'm ready.  And I think that even when I meet a great person, I need to feel them out for a long time before jumping into a deeper emotional/physical relationship with them.  That said, it just seems like a long time ahead of me that I will be alone. 

It's also rather unfulfilling to entertain casual, lighter relationships in the mean time.  So solitude it is, I suppose. 

Aside from pondering relationships... my usual existential banes are gettin' me down.  Money. Parents. Attempting to get out on my own.  Deciding whether to finish school.  Fixing my bad habits. Trying to not hate my body.
Sigh.    

I do, however, think that feeling sad or angry or desperate opens up the creative, and thoughtful side of me.  It makes life feel a little more real and meaningful.  I think when you look around and you don't like your life or the world around you... it makes you want to create something to make it better.  I guess when people talk about the "Artistic temperament" they are referring to someone in a constant state of dissatisfaction??  Maybe that's a bit negative... but just something that occurred to me today. 

Regardless, wanting to create or learn does feel good.  I want to do a sort of "independent study" in literature.  I want to read great novels.  And make something with my hands.    That would make me happier, I think.  

Other thoughts today:

I want to go to NYC for a day and ride the subway all day. 
I want to be able to say I "dabble in photography."
I wish I wasn't wired to rely on novelty to stimulate me and derive happiness from, mostly, that in life.
Weddings are generally silly, over the top wastes of money.  Kind of like how Christmas distorts the "reason for the season." 
I'm developing a slight fear of flying.  Only because statistically my chances of danger are very much increased. 

Ok, so today I am going to try and get some sunshine, make something, and do some productive things.  Hopefully I will feel better by the end of the day. 

Writing helps too.  I should do this more regularly.

Life is good.

On the Right Path

”Don’t listen to anyone. Trust what gives you pleasure. Trust the emotions. If you love something but can’t explain why, that’s enough.“  ~ Calice Becker

2012: Out with the Old, In with the New!

Happy New Year!

Like everyone else, I have several resolutions for 2012, and one of them is blogging more! 
So here I go....

As the year is beginning, I have been feeling very contemplative.  Here are a few of the things I learned in 2011...
-EVERYTHING....I repeat, EVERYTHING, happens for a REASON!
-The world is full of beauty, and if you take time to notice it, it can bring you a lot of joy!
-Taking care of your body, eating healthy, and staying active really are easy things you can do to look and feel great (I know, this sounds so cliche, but doing just this got me through the end of 2011!!). 
-It is extremely important to remember to be kind, forgiving, and loving to YOURSELF!
-Every person who walks into your life is brought there to teach you something and help you grow.
-Your path may not be like everyone else's, but its yours...embrace it!
-Feed your subconscious mind with good thoughts, affirmations, and experiences...it controls and effects everything in the way you live your life and view your world!
-STOP WORRYING.
-Gratitude, perspective, optimism, a willingness to learn from mistakes, and good friends & family can get you through anything!





Besides blogging more... my other goals and resolutions for 2012 are the following:

-Read more books, classics and otherwise.
-Cook dinner for my family weekly.
-Do more yoga and keep up with regular running.
-Be a more organized and neat person.
-Work on not being late to everything! :)
-Create a flower/veggie/herb garden in the spring.
-Travel...I didn't travel at all in 2011, so even if it's just daytrips, I need to see new places this year!


So excited for whatever is to come this year!