La Grande Odalisque

I've been struggling with feeling good about my body for a long time.  I'm healthy, relatively active, and take care of myself... but I've never had a supermodel body... and I have a curvy figure and a bit of a tummy. 

I try to be positive and accepting of the body I was born with....but some days its hard not to compare myself or criticize myself. 

I recently had an unnamed man genuinely compliment my figure and compare me to classic Renaissance nudes ala Titian or Ingres or ancient Egyptian papyri.   He called me "Odalisque."  And I don't think I've ever felt sexier!  Maybe some wouldn't take this as a compliment, but he intended it as one an I, being the art history nerd I am, took it as one.  And I've sort of thought it myself in the past... seeing my own figure portrayed in classical paintings! 

I don't know if there are other men out there who will think this way... but I shall savor the compliment and try to own my Odalisque bod.  :)

Life as of late....

The last couple months:

Flying, flying, flying.   (And really enjoying it again. Love my job).

Still pining for a good guy.  (Optimistic despite a really awful track record).

Trying to make positive changes. 

Debating whether to get in touch with old friends I've lost touch with.


....so pretty much the same as always! :)

Tonight I'm having a holiday dinner with Christina & Annie.  Making pumpkin curry shrimp over rice with roasted baby artichokes!  Yum!

My thoughts lately include a lot of fantasizing about having a nice steady boyfriend who I have a blast with, laugh with, cook with, travel with, shop for vintage clothes with, peruse art museums with, have intellectual and spiritual discussions with, and eventually can marry & have babies with!!  Am I desperate?? ugh.  I think it's normal to want this.  Online dating has been ... not so fruitful.  Dear dating gods...please send somebody my way!!!! 

Being constantly told I'm pretty, cute, beautiful, or have "nice boots" by random men while I'm working has not resulted in Mr. Right...just affirmation that I'm nice to look at (apparently) but no one makes a further move. !!??(*&?( argh.  so frustrating. 

Sounds new-agey... but I guess I need to reverse my energy of feeling sorry for myself and pining away.  My life is great... I'm great...and the one who finds me (sooner or later) is very lucky :) 

The new year will mean enjoying my life, improving it, enjoying time with my amazing friends and family, starting a business, paying off debt, and being healthy!!  The relationship part will happen when it's right, I suppose!

Happy Holidays to anyone who may happen to read this! :)

How She Thinks & Where She's Been

Ok, I need to rant about a few things that have really irked me lately....

So, I'm about 8 months into my current job as an airline crewmember.  Many things are fucking AWESOME about my job...but there is one thing I've noticed that really bothers me.  Sometimes I feel like workplace norms, ethics, respect, rules,etc  are stuck back in 1967.  The way that pilots and others treat flight attendants and women in general disgusts me.  The sexual harassment, belittling talk, and lack of respect is hard to tolerate sometimes.  Yesterday our Captain got mad at the First Officer for finishing a conversation he was having with me before he turned to answer a question the Captain asked him... and the Captain says loudly "GOD, What are you? A FEMALE!?" How is that ok???   This is just one example of many, many instances of sexism I see on an almost daily basis. 


Rant #2.  Last week I met my aunt to hang out with her at the dog park she takes her boxer to.  She goes there almost daily and has a group of friends she has made there and socializes with.  Most of these friends are older (40s-50s), white, wealthy Chesterfield residents.  I was introduced to them and we are standing in a circle, near others in the park, having light conversation.  One man mentions he used to have a boxer growing up named "N*****."  (Yes, the N Word).  Everyone proceeds to laugh.  I am already gawking that he has even said the word.  Then everyone starts making racist jokes and giggling.  I was shocked and disgusted that people still could be so blatantly hateful and racist.   This instance and the sexism described above just go to show how much still needs to change in our society. 


My third complaint is about, well, myself.  I am on week 2 of my break from Men/Sex/Dating.  I feel better, and also worse at the same time.  I think my subconscious is freaking out a little bit.  I haven't been TRULY single for over three years.  There's always been someone to call, stay over with, or emotionally rely on.  I don't want to be dependent on anyone else for happiness, security, confidence, or anything anymore.  But I've been having strange reactions to suddenly not having anyone.  I've been dreaming of ex boyfriends and waking up really really missing them.  I woke up pining for Ciaran this morning.  I haven't felt romantically towards him in years; it's always been platonic since we broke up, or so I thought.  And in the last week I've been trying to call and text Jacob like a desperate idiot.  In a strange turn of events, HE is now pushing me away.  Which, really, is a good thing for me.  But it's making me feel like I have to chase him, and I'm really having to fight myself not to do it.  I am just trying to view these things as withdrawal symptoms... like quitting any addiction.  Once this neediness is out of my system, I'll be in great shape.



So, I'm on day 3 of 4 of this trip. I like my crew (besides some intermittent sexism from the Captain), but this trip hasn't been going my way and I want to go home.  I haven't had a chance to enjoy much on my layovers except one delicious, albeit expensive Italian dinner on night #1.

I'm looking forward to going out with friends when i get home tomorrow.  I'll  hopefully be checking out some thrift shops for my new business endeavor, too.  I'm also hanging out with Natalia in Chicago on my next trip since I'll have a 24 hour ORD layover!  And then when I'm back home again I'm joining the YMCA with Simone and celebrating Halloween! So those things make me happy. 

Also, this post makes me happy.  Absolutely brilliant words of advice.  I think one of my favorites is: Have faith in your Gut. 

And with that in mind, I'm off to start my day of flying!!

Autumn

I'm aware that you couldn't have been labeling  the time of year as "summer" for quite awhile now... but I think today is the first day it has really felt like Fall to me. 

It's overcast, a bit cool, and the trees are full of color.   

Fall (and breakups) make me want to listen to Adele (her first album).  It seems therapeutic and festive and warm. 

Plus I'll be sleeping in New Hampshire tonight.  That seems like a perfect place to be in the midst of Autumn, doesn't it?  I also just bought some dark red ("oxblood" you might say) lipstick and nail polish to wear on this trip. 

And if one is still hurting a bit over the end of a fling... then it seems this is the right time of year to be doing it.  The gloomy mood of October makes it feel as if everyone and everything else is comiserating with you. 

 

My favorite things on the internet.

These are the only things that can cheer me up when I'm PMS-ridden or full of break-up angst. 

My most-loved sites for shopping, photos, articles, etc......

XoJane

Recently discovered this site...full of articles, opinion columns, & reviews, etc. .  These writings are so honest, hilarious, feminist, insightful, unafraid, and real.  I'm addicted!! 

Etsy

Like a virtual open-air bazaar with handcrafted goods, art, clothing, accessories, products, etc.  Also great source for vintage finds.  All price ranges and tastes.  Also, great to support independent crafts-people. 

SHYB

Feeling bad about your physical appearance? I try to look at this site every day to remind me that there are all shapes and sizes out there and I shouldn't waste time hating myself!!   Real people and real pictures.

The Perfumed Court

I am addicted to perfumes/oils/fragrance.  This site allows me to indulge without spending a fortune.  They decant small amounts of luxury/classic/niche fragrances in vials/rollers/mini- spray bottles for very affordable prices.

Pinterest

An obvious choice. But so addictive.  The best part , for me, are the recipe ideas.

Frocks & Frou Frou

Fashion blog.  This girl is Australian, curvy, classy, unique, naturally beautiful, and I absolutely love her style. 

Underground New York Public Library

Where I go to find ideas for which book I'll read next.  Also, I can vicariously ride the NYC subway via the photos. 

Modcloth

Awesome online boutique.  Not always the cheapest. But everything is MY STYLE to a "T."

Simple Dreams

Visual inspiration for all things 1930s-1960s. 

Broken Record

Round 27 (??) of trying to find a man.

I write this now as I try not to think of my latest break-up after a 1-2 month relationship.  On the bright side, I've broken up with all of them, and not the reverse. (All except one).  I have just become very picky and unable to put up with anything less than awesome treatment.  I guess that isn't a bad thing. 

I have been thinking of how sad it is that Iraq veterans become so fucked up.  I have now dated two who seem like happy, healthy, successful men... until I dig a little deeper under the surface and see how ridden with anxiety and fear they are.  They put up so  many barriers which makes it nearly impossible for them to have a normal relationship; despite the fact that they are desperate to find just that, settle down, and have a family. 

Sigh, I'm not going to dwell on that. I'm just going to learn from it and consciously decide never to date a veteran again. 

Additionally, I've decided to go on a hiatus from men, dating, and sex.  I tried this before, unsuccessfully.  But I'm a much stronger person, now.  I need to "clear my energy," if you will.  Focusing so much on men and dating has absolutely drained my energy and happiness.  My head has been spinning with it.  So, I'm done for awhile. 

Things to look forward to in the near future:

-My travels, as usual. And making the most of them.
-Making homemade vanilla extract for Christmas presents this year.
-More friend & family time!!
-Undertaking some sort of project--art, re-organizing, or otherwise. (Need to do more thinking on this).
-Starting an online shop selling vintage clothes & accessories.  (Really excited to do this, but I'm trying to think of what I can do to set it apart from the zillions of other vintage shops out there.)
-Working out more; I've gotten away from this.
-Writing more about my travels.  So many interesting things happen!

Ok, blogging therapy, over. And I feel better!!! :)

Getting It & Keeping It

I feel I keep coming across damaged people.  I can't keep taking on someone with a problem and hoping to "heal" them.  I do have a big heart and do want to help, but it consistently ends in me being hurt and unhappy.  And still alone in the end. 

I wonder if anyone sees me as a damaged person. 

It is very sad to me, how many people I have met whose whole lives, personality, outlook, reactions, etc have changed due to being involved in a war.  It is dark stuff to dig into.  And I'm not sure it can be fixed. 

On a lighter note, I'm looking forward to long layovers coming up in Toronto, Jacksonville, Austin, Bozeman, Madison, and Chicago.
I'm going to try and plan atleast one interesting thing to do in each city.

I'm trying to think of something else positive to write about, but I can't! I guess that's the PMS talking...    

Maybe next time!! 

Things I'm Aching For...

To live in New York.

To fall head over heels for someone.

To meet a great new friend.

To hear an Irish accent.

The smell of Fall.

That something happening in my family right now was just a bad dream...

To discover an excellent song worthy of leaving on Repeat.

To create a piece of art.

Adventure!!

Dissatisfaction

Ok, so I apparently only post new entries when I'm not doing/feeling so great.

So here I am.  Everything SHOULD be great, as I have the best job on earth and I get to travel all over the country, see new places, meet new people, and make new friends constantly.  Sigh, why can't I just be happy with this?? 

I've been feeling blue the last few weeks.  I can think of a few obvious reasons.  One being another failed relationship.  The hardest thing about a break-up is that when you fall for someone you feel like a new future opens up ahead of you.  You see the life you could have with them.  Then, when it's over that path is ripped away from you.  And it's just you again. You have to pave your way alone, and that really makes me sad.  

I had a long talk with someone recently about what it takes to find a great person and have a great relationship.  And I think I have a lot to work on before I'm ready.  And I think that even when I meet a great person, I need to feel them out for a long time before jumping into a deeper emotional/physical relationship with them.  That said, it just seems like a long time ahead of me that I will be alone. 

It's also rather unfulfilling to entertain casual, lighter relationships in the mean time.  So solitude it is, I suppose. 

Aside from pondering relationships... my usual existential banes are gettin' me down.  Money. Parents. Attempting to get out on my own.  Deciding whether to finish school.  Fixing my bad habits. Trying to not hate my body.
Sigh.    

I do, however, think that feeling sad or angry or desperate opens up the creative, and thoughtful side of me.  It makes life feel a little more real and meaningful.  I think when you look around and you don't like your life or the world around you... it makes you want to create something to make it better.  I guess when people talk about the "Artistic temperament" they are referring to someone in a constant state of dissatisfaction??  Maybe that's a bit negative... but just something that occurred to me today. 

Regardless, wanting to create or learn does feel good.  I want to do a sort of "independent study" in literature.  I want to read great novels.  And make something with my hands.    That would make me happier, I think.  

Other thoughts today:

I want to go to NYC for a day and ride the subway all day. 
I want to be able to say I "dabble in photography."
I wish I wasn't wired to rely on novelty to stimulate me and derive happiness from, mostly, that in life.
Weddings are generally silly, over the top wastes of money.  Kind of like how Christmas distorts the "reason for the season." 
I'm developing a slight fear of flying.  Only because statistically my chances of danger are very much increased. 

Ok, so today I am going to try and get some sunshine, make something, and do some productive things.  Hopefully I will feel better by the end of the day. 

Writing helps too.  I should do this more regularly.

Life is good.

On the Right Path

”Don’t listen to anyone. Trust what gives you pleasure. Trust the emotions. If you love something but can’t explain why, that’s enough.“  ~ Calice Becker

2012: Out with the Old, In with the New!

Happy New Year!

Like everyone else, I have several resolutions for 2012, and one of them is blogging more! 
So here I go....

As the year is beginning, I have been feeling very contemplative.  Here are a few of the things I learned in 2011...
-EVERYTHING....I repeat, EVERYTHING, happens for a REASON!
-The world is full of beauty, and if you take time to notice it, it can bring you a lot of joy!
-Taking care of your body, eating healthy, and staying active really are easy things you can do to look and feel great (I know, this sounds so cliche, but doing just this got me through the end of 2011!!). 
-It is extremely important to remember to be kind, forgiving, and loving to YOURSELF!
-Every person who walks into your life is brought there to teach you something and help you grow.
-Your path may not be like everyone else's, but its yours...embrace it!
-Feed your subconscious mind with good thoughts, affirmations, and experiences...it controls and effects everything in the way you live your life and view your world!
-STOP WORRYING.
-Gratitude, perspective, optimism, a willingness to learn from mistakes, and good friends & family can get you through anything!





Besides blogging more... my other goals and resolutions for 2012 are the following:

-Read more books, classics and otherwise.
-Cook dinner for my family weekly.
-Do more yoga and keep up with regular running.
-Be a more organized and neat person.
-Work on not being late to everything! :)
-Create a flower/veggie/herb garden in the spring.
-Travel...I didn't travel at all in 2011, so even if it's just daytrips, I need to see new places this year!


So excited for whatever is to come this year!