New Day

Sounds completely ridiculous but having an app for balancing my checkbook has made a world of difference in my finances.

In other news...I am drifting away from J...it is good. It is really good. The stress/negativity/sadness/hopelessness is slowing lifting off of my spirit. There is a part of me that is still reaching out to go back to all that, but it's much quieter than the part of me ready to be happy, move forward, open myself up to something real, healthy, and wonderful with someone.

I am really hoping the predicted ice and snow do not happen this week. I am terrified of ice. I do have two days off this week though... I was planning on going to UMSL to speak with financial aid about my options for funding school.... but if I have to trek through ice and snow to get to the bus I'm not going to do it.

This weekend was so-so. I'm hoping my weekend in the middle of the week is much better.
Absolutli Goosed/Urban Lounge with Simone, Mandi, Steven, Justin, and Joey on Friday. Saturday at the Animal Hospital with J and Mikey, and Sunday all on my own doing pretty much nothing at all.

Hoping for a good week....

Winter Blues

I've been feeling completely un-sexy lately. I think it's just because I'm currently stuck in the middle of winter: I've got a little extra "padding" after the holidays, hairy legs (I rarely shave my legs in the winter.. always wearing pants, tights, or leggings) , ultra pale and dry skin, and chapped lips. My eyes have been red lately from staring at a computer all day at work. And I also cut my very long hair a couple of weeks before Christmas. I liked the change at first.... but I miss it now! I feel like long hair is such a sign of sexiness, beauty, youth, and health.... sigh... I was very vain about my hair. Not to say it's awful now... it's just shorter, very layered, and will take awhile to get back to where it was. Sometimes it dries like a mullet because of the extreme short and long layers... and then I do hate it. Ugh.

**sigh** I'm so vain in general.. and I just want to feel pretty!!

I'm just waiting for winter to be over... so I can get some SUN, produce will be cheaper (antioxidants!!), and I can get outside and work out (without worrying about falling down icy steps like I did a month or so ago).

For now I'm trying to watch what I eat... using my handy new Calorie Counter app. And eat as many fruits and veggies as I can (can afford that is). Stay stress free.. and positive-minded. These are the best things you can do in winter, I think.


And back to the topic of hair, when it grows out again I may keep it, or I may try a cut like this:
Yes, it's also short. But I like the all-one-length-ness. Still looks sleek and sexy, and yet edgy, too. It's very cute and face-framing also. I wonder if I could pull it off?

Recently admired street style....

I think the moral of the story is that I need a cute, high-waisted, full skirt!

Dreams and Reality

I had an awful dream last night that it was New Year's Eve and in the morning I realized I hadn't been with J all night, so I went outside in the snow in a nightgown and ran around looking for him...among all these strange houses. People passing me by starting warning me of a "doomsday" type thing saying something was coming and I should take cover. I go back inside the house I was in for New Year's Eve, only to find a letter from bank saying that my wages were being garnished.

If this isn't my subconscious screaming about the things that are distressing me, I don't know what is!!!

In reality, I have not spoken to J in two days... this is the longest it's been in quite some time.


I got a new cell phone yesterday. With unlimited calls, texting, and internet usage to boot! It's Erin D 2011 as my dear friend Amber put it. haha.
But with it came a new phone number, that J does NOT have and will not be getting. And I feel a huge relief that he can't even contact me.


However, as for the second frightening factor in my dream --wage garnishment-- I suppose this could be a real possibility. The student loan debt, the bill collector calls, and the endless letters I get terrify me. I simply do not have the money to pay these bills. And the whole situation scares me so much that I usually avoid it all... I discard the letters, ignore the calls. But now the possibilities of what the consequences could be are creeping into my dreams. I have to call these companies to figure something out. I've known this for a long time, but I have to really do it.



Onto more pleasant things....I had a delicious and relaxing evening at Bailey's Chocolate Bar with Marisa and Simone. I had a Basil Mozzarella Tomato Spinach Pizzetta , a Cocoa Pumpkin Bar with Cinnamon Ice Cream, and a glass of Shiraz. What could be more perfect????
And I finally got a full night's rest last night. Feeling much better. Might even go back to sleep for a bit .. just because I can! :)

Really, I Mean it This Time

Well I'd like to write a post about how DONE I am with J. But I'm not going to bother because you could just scroll to the previous 27 posts to read all about that.

Let's just say I've reached new levels of clarity on the situation, and I'm ready more than ever to put myself first. To grow. The one thing above all, is that I look at all the mistakes he is making and I can compare that in many ways to things I've done and it gives me a whole new perspective. And inspires me to change. And the first step to making myself happier: cutting him out.

I'm not going to say any more. And I'll let you know when it's been three weeks that I haven't spoken to him. That'll be a milestone, right?

But I have my best friends behind me, who have come to mean so much more to me than any guy ever will. Sounds cheesy, but I very much mean it.

Other things I have going on: Being terrified by my debt/ debt collectors and trying to work up the nerve to contact them. Hating my job. Struggling between a desire to lose weight or to love my curves. Trying to get motivated to organize all my clothes/closet/jewelry/makeup, etc.
(But what's new, really).

And... I have a date on Friday. I met a guy named Timotheus at Simone's birthday party, who is a friend of a friend. We didn't really talk much at the party, but he added me on facebook the next day and we've been chatting daily every since. He asked me to go out Friday, and I have mixed feelings about it. He is very cute. But am I really in a state of mind to meet someone new??.... I tried that with Will and it was disastrous. Mandi says to think of it as "medicine" for my situation....so I guess I'm going. He seems very eager to see me. I shall keep you posted.

Now watching an episode of Satisfaction on Netflix... and heading to bed early. mmmm sleep.

Ciao Bella

Hollywood beauties who inspire me....would love to look like any of these women!

Natalie Wood

Emmanuelle Chriqui

Audrey Hepburn

Penelope Cruz

Elizabeth Taylor

Julie Andrews

Marisa Tomei

2011 has Begun!

Ok it's not really over. Who am I kidding? And if we're being really honest here. I am in love with him... still. Simone told me I need mental help if I feel that way after everything that happened. I have analyzed (agonized over is really more like it) and thought through everything that happened countless times. I am not blind to his flaws. I see them, but I still see so much good. This has really been on my mind. Am I naive? I don't know. The good times were so good, that they seem to outshine everything else...

My bills don't scare me anymore. I opened up an envelope for the first time in months today.

And I'd really like to find a way to exercise and eat healthy that works for me... i.e. only having free time to be go running or walk early in the morning and late at night...currently in the winter.. in the city.

I'd love to eat a diet of mostly healthy, raw foods... but it's so expensive! I'm trying to think of ways to make these things work, and make them a priority though. Brave the cold to exercise in the winter? Get up to go running at 6am? Invest in work out shoes/clothes? CUt out my morning coffees to save up to buy veggies and fruit every week? I think I can do it. My life in the past few months has shown me some of my biggest assets: my ability to adapt, think creatively, do the unexpected, and make things work in my own way!

Doesn't all this sound very clear headed? Lately I've reached a place where I feel like I can look back at the past 3-4 years and think... whoa I was going crazy! I literally don't know where my head was at! I still don't regret anything, but I can tell my state of mind now is different, and healthier than it has been in awhile. (And yes, i know the J thing might not seem very healthy... but lately it has brought me more happiness, than stress and anxiety like it used to).

At this rate, things are bound to get better and better! 2011 is gonna be a good year, I think.